the ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in

2008-11-09T00:25:00.002+08:00

After such a long hiatus, I'm finally driven to share my thoughts again. So many things have happened since my last entry.

Tanzania was the most amazing overseas experience of my life, I think it changed me. And it's changed my perspective of people. For the longest time, I've owed this blog an update about Tanzania, and then so many things happened after the trip that left me too caught up - emotions really ran high and low in July/August. Well that's for another time, maybe.

But now I feel the need to mark this revelation I've just made about myself with a post. The reason why I procrastinate so much, and the reason why I am unable to deal with conflict well is because, I fear confrontation. This fear translates into every part of my life. With regards to relationships, I hate confrontations so I avoid them, until things build up and it's just too much to handle, and then when things blow up I avoid them again, because it's easier that way, to leave things swept under the bed. Even with regards to schoolwork - the reason why I leave things to the end is because in my mind I've already classified it as something unpleasant to be done, a chore, something difficult. It's always so much easier to tell myself, I'll deal with it later, and it'll be so much better.

And for the umpteenth time, this flaw has unleashed itself, and this time I'm not getting away with it so easily. Which is possibly why it's been so difficult to accept. Think my cgmates are right, I did need something like this to wake me up. I'm not sure if I agree that I need to be punished for this, because I feel like I've already given myself a hard time about it, but I guess that's not up to me to decide. Hopefully things don't get worse than they already are.
And I'm such a freak with confrontation that I even avoid dealing with my own emotions.

So there you have it. I have a problem. I need a solution. I'm working on it.

It's also times like these where you start to evaluate the people you thought you knew so well. I guess the theme of this phase in life, is that everybody's changing, even you, even me.

2008-05-26T01:21:00.002+08:00

I think it's a bit alarming that I'm leaving for Tanzania in less than a week now, and I'm not quite yet in the right mindset of packing and prep-ing for the trip. This has gotta be the most packed week of my 8 weeks of Orthopaedics posting, despite only having to go down to AH on tuesday and NUH on friday for my exam.

But there's training for the Kilimanjaro climb (no more group trainings this week), then there's studying for the two components of my end-of-posting test, the first of which is on Tuesday 2pm (I really hope I get a good familiar long case - reminder to self to read up about DM foot), and the MCQs on Friday which is not as scary because at least there's a pile of questions to practise with, and there's also one more case write-up that I need to do by the 30th (ideally on Tuesday night/Wed morning), and there's hanging out with Kamya who's back for a short stint and leaving this Thursday, and then there's shopping specifically for the trip and packing (I need to buy gloves, a travel waist wallet, my focus dailies and miscellaneous, plus change money to USD).

OMG no time no time!! Plus I owe a couple of people dinner/supper and my family a dinner cos I'm missing my mom's birthday on 2nd of June.

HOW? I have no idea. Things will fall into place. Key thing I really need to do by tmr will be sign the contract, scan it and send it to my Kili climb company.

In other news I have been having a good time, and my weekend was packed but productive though not with regards to mugging - oh crap, I remember that I also need to drive down to CGH to submit the time sheet for the tutors.

I have a feeling the next time I post I would be back from The Most Anticipated trip thus far!
Ugh, just realised I also promised my tuition kid I'll do up notes on Group VII elements.

OMG kill me now. I should really go mug, because I will feel most pathetic if Tuesday does not go well. Goodnight and goodbye internet! (Until I come back to print the practise MCQs.)

2008-05-13T14:14:00.016+08:00

PhotoblogPost!
Here's Team Kili plus Our Official Trainer Claudia plus friendly friends! I've only got photos from a couple of the trainings at MacRitchie, so I'm missing the training at Vigilante Drive with Terence, and the other training with Marian. Will combine photos with the rest soon.
I love the post-hike feeling of being drenched in your own sweat. It is sweet. and rewarding.

The picture on the top left is us after our very first training at MacRitchie. First time using double poles to trek. The shot isn't so good cos we got an old man to take it, and I guess he wasn't very digicam-familiar. Check out our sweatyness! And the photo on it's right is from the latest training. The other 3 guys couldn't make it. And the rest below are from one of the middle trainings! Check out Jon and his manly blister. And soaked Kumaran. And Tousif and the girls on the TREE! Happy shots :)

2008-04-21T20:16:00.004+08:00

Finally bought my hiking shoes! Presenting to you, the Columbia Packus Ridge Omni-Tech!

Not cheap, but not too expensive, it was on sort of a sale. It passed Claudia's phone evaluation and it's pretty comfortable and it seemed to fit the general guidelines of internet sites I'd searched previously for help in choosing hiking shoes, so I think it'll suit it's purpose! Hope so (: Just hope the size is right, if not I'll have to bring it back to change it in the next week or so. Will walk around home in it meanwhile and risk looking obsessive.
Here's a more professional picture of it:

2008-03-26T21:50:00.003+08:00

Psychiatry posting now!
Hypnotism and the works. More to dwell about, experienced group hypnotism today. I guess it doesn't really work for me yet, got to get more used to the idea of letting someone dictate my thoughts. Think that's the first time and possibly the last time we'd have a tutorial like that. Hypnotism has so much potential in the medical world. He showed us a video of this study that was done, where they performed face lift surgery without general anesthesia, using hypnotism instead to block out the pain. Imagine someone lifting your face off, and you feeling absolutely zero pain! It worked on all but 18 patients (who had to switch to GA), out of 3000ish patients. Lots of more interesting hypnotism stories! By far one of the most impressionable tutorials, if only because it was so beyond the normal spectrum of things we hear about.

Fell sick on Saturday, with a psychotically high fever, which was most out of the blue and energy zapping. Been a long time since I've felt that sick. Still some remnants of illness, but I'm quite okay. As a result, missed all the finals of Boulder on Sunday - tragiiiccc, and also have not been exercising since the vigorous frisbee in the sand on Friday.

Appetite is back full force, as is the energy. Mom bought me a sudoku book. It's incredibly difficult!!

2008-02-28T01:45:00.003+08:00

I'm in a very peaceful mood tonight.
I'm in love! And he's only 17.

2008-02-11T00:08:00.000+08:00

Happy CNY all!!

It's the festive season in Singapore again, somehow this year it seems more festive than previous years though I visited less people.
It's also study break for now, exams at the end of Feb, two more weeks! That is massively scary. I am way behind schedule, continually distracted by potential June holiday plans, thoughts of electives next year, and more appealing activities like exercising and hanging out.
Have been running more! But somehow I've also been eating more which somewhat negates the effects. Nevermind, at least we're on our way to our half marathon Fen!

Need to resume my vigorous mugging trends. Time to sleep, on a full stomach ackk!

2007-12-29T02:34:00.000+08:00

I feel really bad, in retrospect. Whywhywhy.
I've never been this disappointed. What have I become? Who am I trying to be?
I don't judge. But I'll never stop judging myself.

2007-12-24T15:35:00.000+08:00

Eight days to 2008.
That's sort of consoling since Patho's on the 2nd. Anyway the point of this post was to reflect on 2007 (because it's not too late to change it - just kidding. Procrastination has its limits).
This year seems like it's ending pretty fast only because my year has been so segmented. I think I can divide the year into segments based on Events.

So there was...
1. My struggle with Bacteriology and Microbiology Finals, and the joy of Neuroscience.
2. Postings of which EClinics passed me by, Medicine traumatised me the most, Surgery revived the spirit in me, Fam Med was relaxing, and Emergency Medicine was a blast.
3. Climbing and training hard, and finally the official end of competitive climbing which came with the start of M3.
4. Growing up, redefining my goals and turning 21, and watching everyone else turn 21 too. :P
5. Family bonding, with my grandmother's surgery, my mother retiring, my dad and I home alone when my mom's overseas, and so on.
6. Friends. Making many new ones, and maintaining the old ones - though never-ending exams makes it really hard sometimes to hang out.
7. Extra-curricular Excitement - Nokia N95! and RandomTreasureHunt (Saus, what was its name?) and Subaru!

The year's so broken up that I feel like so much more happened, it's just that I can't categorize it. And so the year passed, and I feel like half of it took place ages ago, and the other half seems like not so long ago.
And next year's coming!

Goals of 2008, still in the making:
Half marathon! (Need help here. Fen :P!)
M3 MBBS Finals!
Travel!
Friends*
More family time.

2007-11-28T19:24:00.000+08:00

[I won't hesitate no more, no more.]
So nowadays, it's been about poems, on facebook walls?
I'm so tired everyday, and yet I think this has been the most productive posting thus far. Actually managing to study a little while the posting progresses despite the extremely demanding hours. Good thing about the A&E is that time passes real quick.
I must say it's like.. in the A&E department you are actually highly involved with your patient. Because you see things happen when it happens and as it happens. You see the patient rolled out for xray, you see him come back, you see the xray the moment it's ready. You take the bloods the moment he's stable. You get to administer the drugs, you get to suture, you get to talk to his family, you even get to do the diagnosisdeterminingPR! It's pretty amazing. You see things that make you sad, make you scared, make you smile.
Not quite sure if it's my thing yet, but so far it's been good. I dare say it's been the most exciting posting so far.
Pharmaco exam coming up. Hooboy.

2007-11-04T21:29:00.000+08:00

So I went for the Subaru Challenge, was lucky enough to get a spot on the car, though it wasn't that great a spot - at least it was a chance to participate! About 2 hours plus into the competition, not even 1/30th way there -.- I fainted, and was booted out. GG(T).
I reported at 7am, registered, then went through the lucky draw at 10am, and managed to get a numbered pingpong ball - 219. My position was an upside down palm decal at the back of the car, slightly above and to the side of the license plate. After 1 hour I couldn't feel my fingers, cos my wrist had been hyperextended for too long. Tried to keep shaking my legs and wiggling my toes but evidently it wasn't enough. I could sense the syncope coming on, started with slight colicky pains, then peripheral coldness and visual blurring by which time it was too late - I knew I wasn't going to be able to kick it. Before I knew it I was in this incredibly comfortable position, too comfortable to be true, and when I opened my eyes I realised why - people were staring down at me anxiously. SADNESS, I was on the floor.
I realise, had I been able to maintain the spot, I would have been sufficiently entertained throughout, since I had both my parents down to support me and my aunt, dear lydia bano and murugan, and meefs!! and fellow climbers like daniel! and more who came later after I was already out of it, like sand yixiang edwin char vince and tzeyeong. Family and FRIENDs (and their parents too!!) thanks :) and to saus and rou who were planning on coming at 1am. And more like, mogs and kumz who would have been there later had I managed to stay on. Am truly touched. Thanks to all these people and more and even those overseas - like bobs and of course kamya!!! who was so sure I'd win it :) And my Professor who endorsed my potential absence on Monday and Tuesday. (Yes! I'd planned this far! Argh!)
Oh well, I'm glad I got a chance to take part, and I think I'm going to consider joining again next year. This time I'll be more rested, hydrated and well-fed before going for it, and I'm going to pull more khakis to take part. Like saus :) and mogs and lydia - haven't told her, but I think she can do it. Let's see how long my fellow competitors will last this year! Right now there're still about 100 odd in the running!
Well, thanks again friends! For your support :) and faith! Sorry to disappoint!
That's it, maybe I'll get the photos from Lydia and upload them soon.
Well, that's all for now :) Mid-posting excitement.

2007-10-23T17:44:00.000+08:00

So, my one week break (post-TTSH) which i was fortunate enough to have, came to an end. I think I had a pretty good break, managing to fit in some of the things I really wanted to do.. like get some exercise and read a bit - read Lighthousekeeping & The Kite-Runner, the latter of which I really enjoyed (a must-read!!!).
So last night I headed to bed pretty early - before 11, knowing that I had an incredibly long journey ahead of me to Woodlands for my GP clinic posting. Originally the plan was to leave at 7.30am, so when I walked out of the house around 7.40am I was honestly quite pleased with myself, figured I may actually reach early after all! But then, everything was against me.. bus frequencies chose to fall more towards the upper limit of their estimated waiting times, and one hour later I was only just getting onto the TPE at tampines on the ($%^&*) #168. Once I hit the TPE however I did get to Woodlands Interchange within 25 minutes, and the switch to the next bus (had loads of choices of buses this time) was swift like a speedy gonzalez. I arrived at 9.10am. 10 minutes late, but earlier than bano 'cos she'd called me at 8.40am to check on progress (but all she heard was massive ranting) and we'd both predicted that I was only going to arrive close to one hour later - I was more pessimistic by this point, certain that I'd only get there in time for lunch. So in that short span of 1.5 hours my mood turned from happyblueskies to plethoricpurple and I imagined myself getting a motorbike license and buying a Vespa/suffering from depression due to torturous journeys to and fro/begging my parents to buy another car.

But once I arrived and was off the bus, things got a lot better. The clinic was pretty fun, and we got to meet our nice and friendly doctor. While we were walking back to bano's for lunch, something I saw made me smile and I think it's safe to say that it did indeed capture the mood of this posting and how it's going to turn out -

the random cat at Woodlands
I think at this point in time it's still pretty safe to say we're going to be chilling :)

2007-09-27T22:32:00.000+08:00

byebye andee, the nitams await the return of the dee and the kam.
it's finally your turn to fly off, my "mahjong table" remains wrapped in mahjong paper for us to play!
hope you have a great first year of university. keep us updated!

2007-09-10T00:24:00.000+08:00

HAPPINESS :)

i've been introduced to the brilliance of edward morton.

a comic found on the back of a hairbrush, one of the gifts from my rgodacbabes:
"the troublesome hair": i dont wanna be a hair!
i wanna be a DRAGONNN!!
random person/other hairs: "shut up!!"
"the troublesome hair": ok fine i'll be a hair.

it's brilliant. i'll take a photo and upload it, its funnier that way.

last weekend, the september birthday series began with meifen's Surprise Cheesecake Gathering :) happy birthday babe! then there was mog's birthdayday itself with dinner on tuesday, and subsequently the week ended Fantastically. i truly had a great time this weekend. first at mog's party at yishun safra (happy birthday dude!!), then at my very own 21st bday party on Saturday at Kathi Island, followed by a great sunday out with friends, home with family, and dinner with good company- happy birthday dedrick!!

THANKS friends for coming down to my place that night, and to the rest for well wishes and i really wish all my precious friends overseas couldve been there too :)
I LOVE YOU PEOPLE. and I LOVE MY PARENTS :)

happiness is realising that you're high on happy thoughts and knowing that you're surrounded by people you love. so now all i need is for my wish to come true and i'll be a superduperubercontented kid. whoops, i meant adult. :)

i love september!

2007-08-29T21:47:00.000+08:00

i have a small skin abcess. it's 0.5 X 0.5 cm. and it's due to an infected hair follicle. it's tender, red, and deep. and it's ugly. i complain for pure cosmesis purposes.
in other news, today i saw some really nasty photos of fungating breasts. and now i am a massive supporter of breast awareness month, which happens to be in october.

into my second week at ttsh. slowly settling in. i like it so far, but there are the good days and the bad. ttsh doesn't quite have that homely feel yet, perhaps its cos we dont have things like a student's lounge, or free access to gyms and badminton courts - something cgh offers (i'm just being fussy and spoilt, i realise that. but i'm learning how to appreciate other things about ttsh - though memories thus far have been purely academic.
in other news i found a potential new cofm patient to do my project on, so happiness!

went climbing with a few of the girls last tuesday, and ended it with a run (but missed meef's company home cos of that! :/). long time since i climbed, long time since i ran, and it felt good to do them both in good company. my climbing stamina/skills have massively deteriorated.
also went swimming last week. felt comfortable. i need to exercise more. met up with some of the climbers for dinner on friday - hoorah! (btw don't sit in the alley of the tauhuay stall at short street, unless you don't mind being in close proximity with evil cockroaches.)

my mom is visiting in the uk - back in another week, and people have left to the states (becoming a familiar feeling). my end-of-posting test was traumatic, but i've recovered from that.....
and life goes on!
i'm growing fat.

and on a very happy note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOBS (:
and ANDEE i hope you had an excellent 21st two days ago!!!! supper soon with the Am? :)

2007-08-03T00:47:00.000+08:00

you're right saus.
i think it's hard for us to know what we're really getting ourselves into, even now. and just because the going gets tough sometimes, that doesn't mean we're not cut out for something.
what would university be without challenge right?
well i hope so anyway.

anyway, i've found new inspiration! for now that shall be my drive.

2007-07-15T12:37:00.000+08:00

end of the third week of medicine posting at cgh.

can tell that i haven't quite been myself. or at least, i've not been the self i like. feel like something big's been cut out of my life, but i can't place it. it's not climbing (or rather the lack of), because i know i'm still welcome to climb with them despite not being ivp. now that kamya's down we've been having fun, and meeting up with nizam and andee too. bob's back, crys was back. whole lot of other great people are back too.
but still, it's not enough for me. cos for 5 out of the 7 days of the week, i come back truly drained. i'm angry that i'm not keeping up with work, i'm driven to improve yet every weekend passes by and it's the same thing again. i find no real connection between my weekdays and my weekends.
it's difficult to have not found that balance between my studies and my recreational time. and it makes me very unhappy. basically, ever since sch's started, i feel like i've not been doing anything for myself. and when i think about it, there's nothing anyone can do about it. i just have to step up and make life better.
since csfc's ended..(and the death of my blog).. jayce and i aced the n95 challenge, and as a result i've got a new phone, i went to malaysia with the climbers and had a fantastic time. in the last week of my holidays, i caught up with friends and revelled in the freedom of no obligations. and then i started my posting at cgh. good memories involve hanging out w kamya and the kamdees&nitams, catching people like jen during gatherings, odac gatherings that i didnt pon, and the past few meet-ups with climbers - truly love my batch, and talking to wonderful people like fen (congratulations on your new job my friend).

now to make life as fulfilling as it used to be, or more.

2007-05-14T18:53:00.000+08:00

i have this long post in draft but when i look at it now it doesn't quite seem like the appropriate moment to finish it up and post it. think it's one of those lost moments. may it remain a "draft" forever.
in other news, am into my 4th week of csfc, and i potentially have too much readings to do. shall settle that later today. am going to drive my mom to the doctor's now, she's suddenly sick! ahh, sadness.

2007-04-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

bobs. i need an oil sucker pls? haha

2007-04-19T23:06:00.000+08:00

have been overeating.
am out of control. need reinspiration!
every pull-up is about twice as hard now!
time to resume the exercise and eat-healthy-plan again!
"No More AhBalling!"

2007-04-19T19:43:00.000+08:00

"slurrp."
okay hmnn i think its kinda safe to take it that it's a good sign i didnt get called up for viva-s. at least i hope so.
had a good day today, climbed a bit in the afternoon, since bano was on about going to sch with me for a climb, and then i managed to squeeze in a swim cos my dad was only heading back around 6plus.
now its off to dinner at the usual seafood restaurant since it's my dad's birthday.
i finally feel like now the shadow overhead has been lifted, and i can focus on the upcoming things in life.
i just hope i'm not going to be called for direct supps :/
kamya i miss you! and i need to call you. yay hope all is well with you macha(:
and to all my studying climber friends, allez!!

2007-04-14T01:22:00.000+08:00

off to tioman in less than 5 hours, just got back from supper with the charfenedwinmatthew(: and i'm full and content..and i ought to be packing now.
just thought i might update my blog before i leave for the next 3 days.
the microb pro-s didn't go well for me at all, i'm left wondering what's to become of me, and whether i'm going to make it through. of course i pray that it will all work out in the end, and i hope that i won't have to go for viva-s, much less sit for the supp paper. i'll find out next week, and whilst i feel like i should be taking precautionary measures, somehow you find me running off for the weekend.
i think the past one and a half weeks have rightfully been the most stressful period of my life. what made it hard was not only the incredible amount of knowledge that i felt incapable of attaining, but also the fact that time was passing so very fast, and my confidence was draining with every passing day. stress indeed makes me an unhappy person, it brings out the side of me that nobody is used to, not even myself. thankfully i have friends who care around me, the ones who were not going through the same thing as me were more than sympathetic and i owe you guys a lot.
and then i ask myself, am i frustrated because this is not what i imagined myself to be going through, or am i frustrated because i feel like i'm suddenly not capable enough? and then the inevitable and crushing questions come, like is this really the path for me, will i make it through this and come out a success?
i don't want to be an incompetent doctor, and i would have no right to be surprised if this exam turns out to be my biggest downfall, or at least the first downfall that would have had such great consequence. and this i know, that when the results are out, and if things go my way i will never forget the way i now feel and the way i felt one week ago. and if things don't go my way, i pray i will have the strength to keep my chin up and press on.
but then again, after all, these are only words and the truth can be devastating.
and i will have only myself to blame, cos unlikely or not, i realise that i've always made my own decisions.
even though i might be a failure, i know i have people rooting for me. and maybe that's what keeps me going.
i hope that when i next blog, i'll have happier things to write about.

2007-03-30T00:51:00.000+08:00

stressed, and its showing.
i know it can be done. i just need the strength to do it.
why does everything seem so hard all of a sudden?

am i not good enough?
it hurts to have your ego probed. and it hurts even more to doubt yourself.

come on, come on, i've got to do this for myself.

2007-03-26T01:55:00.000+08:00

Boulderactive 2007
this year's boulder's left me with a bigger impression, compared to last year's boulder. i guess its cos this year, i went into the competition with a bit more hope, with perhaps some expectations (though i admit, i'm still too lenient with myself - afraid of failure? perhaps), versus last year when, i sadly (and regretfully, now) had practically no expectations of myself as a novice cat climber.

getting into intermediate finals truly came as a pleasant surprise, cos well frankly..with one bonus, i felt there was no chance of qualifying, and by the end of my 4 climbs i'd already come to terms with it. tho admittedly, i'm not proud of the way i qualified for finals in the end, (since it's a chance incident that one of the finalists couldnt make it down on sunday to climb, hence the bump up), i guess it's safe to say that i'm kinda satisfied with my performance at the finals. of course, there's definitely lots of room for improvement, and i know my weaknesses (still many to clear), but that's somehow encouraging, cos at least now i know what i need to train.
and the best thing of all, i have an excellent team to climb and train with, and other friends who like climbing (occasionally).

although i'm super tired, after 3 full days of boulderactive, i felt like typing this out tonight cos, i want to remember that this is how i feel, and at this point in time i have absolutely no regrets about my (potentially subconscious) change in commitment levels towards climbing. i love the way it gives me something to look forward to, people to have fun with, people to learn from (in more ways than just climbing), a way to keep fit (and achieve my lean and mean target, of course inspired only through climbing), that feeling of control over your body and your movements and the precision that it requires, and well, just basically..another stable, reliable, big thing in my life.

today i start to understand that the more important something becomes in your life, the greater its potential to bring you to that ultimate low point of disappointment and Frustration. thankfully, it works both ways. it can also bring you to greater levels of achievement and satisfaction.

well, sometimes we get the former, sometimes we get the latter. but the fact is, we're not giving up, are we?
we always work towards something happy-er. i really want to embalm this feeling, this feeling of sincere untainted non-cynical belief, that ultimately, we exist and we sustain, to strive for Greater things. things that will make the highs higher. i want to preserve this feeling so that i can recall it in times to come, times when self-doubt and unhappiness gets the better of me.

and now i promise (myself) that it's time to study hard for the finals. so that the other big thing in my life won't come crashing down.

2007-03-18T23:46:00.000+08:00

i woke up this morning sweating. not that i had a bad dream, but there was a "blackout" (well, power blackout, but it was already quite bright) and my fan had gone off.
but somehow, this uncomfortable start to the day (though i did try to go back to sleep) developed into this sense of impending doom. things are not going as well as i'd like them to be.
i'm stressed.
things got better as the day progressed, though i ate wayy too much kueh at my aunty's house.
and now i'm back to being stressed.
i need to do something to rid this sense of impending doom. need to be more intent on studying.
in other news, boulderactive's this coming weekend! exciting. not expecting much of myself, but i love watching pro climbers doing their thing! RAWR. will be spending most of the weekend at the atrium at PS. so friends, if you're in the area, i'll explain the action to you :) excitingggggggggg!
HAHHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!
happy things make me laugh.
it's funny to feel happy one instant and stressed in another. depends on which commitment is dominating my thoughts at the moment i guess.

in summary ,the weekend has been great. (climbing, daryl's dinner, belated cny visit to my cousins' place) and non-muggy..(argh.)

2007-03-13T10:52:00.000+08:00

the start of the one month study break (less than one month now) til the finals!
i need to start feeling the urgency of it all, cos well..one month isn't quite enough for billions of microorganisms. come on friendly friends!! jiayou!! add oil!! (muahaha)
in other news, my mom is coming back from shanghai tonight, have to somehow get home from training by about 9.30, shower and get to the airport around 10? yeah:) will have to leave climbing early tonight. excited, will find out about her travel news later today.
am going for russian food later with bano and saus, whoah. (cg outing:)) russian food! what IS russian food? will soon find out. and hopefully there'll be tauhuay after :P contemplated a swim just now, but feel a bit too lazy to travel to the ugh bedok swimming pool. shall just stay home and await lunchtime.
tip tap tippetty tap. won't you come and tap with me?

2007-03-05T11:23:00.000+08:00

just random things i want to do whilst/after i study my brains out for the finals.
1. buy my rollerblades!
2. train scott so that i won't have to carry him (fatty!)/leash him everytime someone visits.
3. climb more (during this study break as well)
4. learn to swim front crawl
5. plan my dream america trip (don't know when it'll actually take place though)
6. read the newspapers

i'm starting small! but i'll get there one day.

2007-03-03T22:12:00.000+08:00

a small bundle of cuteness.
pursuit of happyness.

i dont think i've found my passion in life.

2007-02-25T00:27:00.000+08:00

february has been an eventful month. and considering its only the start of the year, there've been so many birthday parties going on. so many people celebrating their 21st.
plus there was cny. pineapple tarts are my downfall in healthy eating. whyyy are they sooo nice? first time i got to try pineapple tarts made with home-made pineapple filling straight from the pineapple! courtesy of meifen's mom who is like, an amaazing cook. rocks.
there're also many exams to study for, all of which i am still not prepared for..and the first exam's on wednesday! i do want to do well. -.- and then there's climbing. thank goodness for climbing, i dont know how i'd survive without this extra commitment in my life. it really gives me something to look forward to..but i'm beginning to find that my perceived balance between climbing and studying may actually be kinda lopsided. intended to stay til about 12plus/1 at tj today cos i vigorously needed to mug but.. i let myself stay on and ended up home only around 4plus. TERRIBLE! but tj was quite fun. and i had a nice sweet fleshy coconut during lunch. happiness!!
i dont want to feel desperate on tuesday wednesday and thursday night! pre-exam syndrome. pray. (and study.)
back to neuro i go!

neuro neuro
you make me want to burrow (not, as in burial)
deep into the ground (not, as in worms)
where i can never be found (NOT, as in dead)
and can forever be round. (NOT. hopes of being lean and mean?? :((((( )

ok sad attempt at poetry. kbye. mug hard guys, happy cny dear friends, and to those with no exams, enjoy the remainder of the hols. play hard pls. and make sure i join ya'll sometimes.

2007-02-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

so i'm happy, generally.
genetics CA was so-so, very tricksey, but well, we'll see. at least it didnt feel like a bacteria-recurrence. climbing this week was good, but felt kinda burnt out by the time today's training came. somehow felt like i hadnt recovered well from thursday's training.. routes at climbasia are always sooper hard lehh, maybe just not used to the tiles compared to nus. at least you know a lot more about the tiles in the nus gym. haha okay no, i think the main thing's that.. i dont have the climbing standard for those routes...... will be inspired to train harder! problems though, muscles growing :/ and arms looking bulkier. ackkergghh. lean is the aim! also got this pain in my shoulder joint. worried it's going to play out to be an injury but i'm trying to take care of it. may the team be injury free from now on! it's really painful to see people injuring themselves and suffering from things like swelling fingerjoints, cos, its such a waste really..sadness.
we need health to balance fitness.
need to start getting into the mugging mood again, should have just been more motivated this morning and packed my bag for marine parade lib like last week, since all i did when i came home was.. nap and watch a dvd (11:14 - quite a sick show if you ask me. interesting, but demented, a bit. quite good though, and its short), then more tv, then eat. and eat some more.
my eating healthy plan.........................needs some tweaking, i'll admit. going to readjust the plan since i tend to have like.. cravings that require attention asap. need to work on the psychological aspect..friends..
so anw, going for a pub exhibition tmr(!) with bano and lydia. water sports or sth at the asian civilisation museum(!!). i have no idea what to expect. then..it's grandma's for lunch (yay home cooked food! i like) and will drop by kamya's house in the afternoon. shall try and get some studying done tmr! maybe start the pharm-ing.
brother is flying off on monday! will tryy to give him the opportunity to take the car out more often before he goes. and tolerate the BOOMBANG!yessir!rightawaysir! of dota at 3am in the morning.
also..watched babel, interesting concept of a show, great acting but.. wasn't completely satisfied somehow. expected it to be more..intricately played out, with better connections. oh well, anw i really wanna watch pursuit of happiness! will smith and his son!!! why is singapore so slow?

2007-02-02T00:20:00.000+08:00

OMG haha. 3 weeks til major CAs. less than a week til genetics CA.
okay guyss. time to hit the books. after another afternoon of mugging at central lib, i officially declare mugging season open!
millions of neuro chapters here i come! (sidenote: today i saw someone in central lib who has the same hair as me :( seriously. took a poll, and everyone agreed that it was quite similar. SADNESS. i thought i was special! haha)
anw today's climbing training was quite eventful, glad khad's better now.. argh. the importance of knowing your medicine well.
feel quite inadequate sometimes when i try to remember my anatomy from year1 and things escape my memory, more often than it should! but its always incidents like this that probe into the deep recesses of your mind and you rediscover that desire to master and conquer and be good at what you do.
come on! work hard nita. and climb hard. and Eat Well. must learn to estimate calorie intake better so i wont be accused of whacking and randomly assigning calories to food to suit my healthy diet haha. for a BMI of 18.5 my ideal weight is 46.5 kg. holy magoly i havent been that light since sec one maybe. :P
AND sidenote, i discovered hot bean curd in engineering canteen, and it comes with peanut rice balls. heehee. happiness. now i know where to go when cravings hit and ghim moh ahballing is too far away.

2007-01-29T21:05:00.000+08:00

i need a life beyond medicine and climbing. not that i don't derive great satisfaction from both, tho often its more the latter which provides me with the immediate joy i need to fuel my life. need to start mugging properly for exams already though, since my bacteriology CA was like geerah.
for the first time, today i mugged in the central lib with saus and banos, (and ate lunch at arts-this i've done before..not so suaku).. arts side of nus is so much more happening than science, and the open areas around the forum is really something to marvel about, esp after you've spent most of your first one and a half years in nus hanging around the concrete world that is science. to give you a better idea, this is the view of the garden-like area where we had lunch:nice right? plus today's weather was great! sun shining yet wind blowing real hard.

and on a separate note, here's a very happening picture of tilly parkins, an australian climber haha.
holy magoly!! talk about looking pro.

2007-01-07T14:19:00.000+08:00

okay i take it back, i've lost the urge/impulse to be an investment banker.
though i still think its quite an exciting job with a lot of intellectual freedom. oh well.
dont think the bacteria CA's gonna go so well, didnt start mugging on time, and its just a crazy amount of info to force into my brain, which has of late been very distracted. keep daydreaming, haven't found that Zone of Mugging this semester.
looking forward to going down to the climbing gym on monday, tho my lower back muscle strain is still hurting me. really cant run, so i went swimming, and it got a little bit worse.
made a friend while swimming who advised me about my breaststroke. hahaa he was quite useful i suppose, always appreciate critical comments with regards to sports. like..running (which i havent done in too long) and climbing haha.
tempted to go to a doctor about my back muscle strain, but figure that all i'll be given is muscle relaxants and advice on physiotherapy. rather self-diagnose!..will try to conduct my own physiotherapy sessions hahaa, with the yoga mat my mom passed on to me. but maybe i'll go for the prescription meds. still thinking about it.
okay back to studying. doesnt feel like i have an exam tmr. think its the general mood i'm in.
in other news, am pleased that my controlled-eating plans have been working so far. though my family isnt helping, mom came back with sugarcoatedpeanuts (i love!) and my dad bought back kuih today, but so far i've resisted..plus there's the redbean buns in the freezer (redbean!!).. (my motivation being, a desire to buy new jeans.. and the fact that my climbing teammate is 53kg and he's 170+cm! unbelievable haha. i'm gonna force him onto a weighing machine one day. okay anw, its more of the jeans-motivation haha.. will go shopping in..march-maybe? [longtermplans])
OK back to the mugs. looking forward to sch resuming though(:

2007-01-05T13:06:00.000+08:00

i want to be a solution-finder. i want to be the source of innovative sparks.
is it wrong that halfway through medschool i've derived this sudden impulse to be an investment banker? maybe its all the kane&abel, and the prodigal daughter, or maybe its just witnessing an investment banker at her job, or maybe its just the subconscious white flag i've raised to studying infectious diseases.
bacteria bacteria, how will i master you? i musy conquer you.

2007-01-01T21:58:00.000+08:00

happy new year friendly friends!
played through the night and eventually went to sleep at 10AM this morning. i'm super contented with the highly eventful end to 2006, and start of 2007. (:

and i start the new year, very much so ambitious, hoping for a series of desired achievements.
2007, my 21st year.

2006-12-26T01:32:00.000+08:00

grateful for the things i have, and yet.. i want more. it seems like i will never be satisfied. well, not anytime soon anyway. i disappoint myself all the time, and its like a constant reminder of things that could be..and are not.

be true to yourself. gotta remember, to be true to myself.

happy festive season friendly friends and family, love you people, i really do.

2006-12-11T12:42:00.000+08:00

hello december!
so what's new? i've been diagnosed with allergic conjunctivitis. which means, i have to wear specs for a month as i use the eye drop anti-histamine medication, which will hopefully allow me to return to contacts in jan.
going to KL from the 18th-23rd, on a climbing (and maybe shopping?) trip, quite eggciting. next monday, which means i have one more week in singapore before the festive season hits.
not too many goals this december, trying to keep them minimal so that i can accomplish them. and secret too, (:
have a great holiday everyone! january will only come too soon.

2006-11-26T18:12:00.000+08:00

sadness :(

2006-11-24T14:45:00.000+08:00

someone motivate me!

2.5 more days til the last two papers. and i haven't settled into full force revision. but i'm getting there!..finished kane & abel, so no more storybook to distract me. studied in bedok library yesterday, haha..and came home with 3 comics and 1 sandman book for saus. bedoklib's selection of comics is good! but anw, more importantly i've disciplinedly stashed them away til monday comes. oh, the kind bedok librarian allowed me to borrow with my driver's licence, cos i really really forgot that i didnt keep my i/c in my wallet anymore, and i have no idea where my library card escaped to. so, being a driver comes in useful in more ways than expected huh? (tho he told me to pls bring the right card next time. i think i looked desperate. haha.)

in other news, met meefen for a jog to east coast park this morning, omg. haha. it turned out to be some reallyyy long jog, which i died multiple times throughout. haha if meifen (thanks babe! haha) wasnt there i really would have activated my ezlink plan and escaped through the like vj underpass or bayshore underpass on the way back. and friends, do not be deceived, the sailing club's underpass is MILES away. i thought it was more or less directly opposite bedok camp, but no guys, its really far away. haha. (i exaggerate)

but in the end, it was a shiok jog (plus some walk la in my case), taking a shower after that was like, heavenly. and stretching. feeling a bit immobile now, cos of unusual tiredness of the legs. how'm i gonna run 10km next sunday with a decent timing!

haha okay, so that was the eventful start of my friday, (i keep thinking its saturday btw). good thing we ran this morning, since its raining now.

now its time to MUGMUGMUG. pharmaco, and patho, please stop evading me. and vice versa.

2006-11-17T01:42:00.000+08:00

had a good day today, long day, but a good one. mugging wasnt so good, training was fun (argh 10km run coming soon!)..but just in general, its been a good day. laughter-filled, hug-filled, love-filled day.
feeling high, i dont want to let go
feel inspired again. to set things right, start anew..
new things, i need new things, new habits.
HAHHAHAAHHAHHAHAHAHHAppyyyyyy.
come back soon macha, i miss my best friend!

dec is coming soon! bayshorehangouts, swimmingnicecream macha?, jenxmasparties, nitamkamdee outings, "n" outings! wahaha
friends come home!

2006-11-08T00:11:00.000+08:00

short post, for bleak moments.
feeling kinda low..hits you when you realise how tired you are, but how desperate you are, and that desperation begins to border on hopelessness. just spent ages (seemingly ages, at least) reading about herpes viruses..fought through moments of random transient falling asleepness...and when i end, all i'm left with is that feeling where you're not quite sure about what you've just read, and sadlymadly it took you so long to read.
and you dont want to move on to something else, (or go back to things you've alr learnt but have forgotten), cos you fear that you're gonna forget this new thing you supposedly know now. its like, trying to hold on to things before they slip right through your grasps again.
from the sheer weight, of your doubts and fears, weary heart, you'll be safe here..?
starting to question if i'm built for this kinda studying. what's the point if i cant cope with this enormously crazy and somewhat unsettling pressure of containing this amount of knowledge?
when the light disappears, and when this world's insincere..you'll be safe here
when nobody hears you scream, i'll scream with you..you'll be safe here

2006-10-29T11:15:00.000+08:00

so now i've come to realise that i need to
embrace the changes that life puts us through.
not everything's gonna go your way, but you know that some things might. and we use the blessed moments to work through the hard ones.
dreams last, for so long.

2006-10-27T18:37:00.000+08:00

studying is a very tricksy thing.
you have to be in the mood for it, most importantly. then you have to have the environment for it, and then lastly, you must be in the right kinda company for the right kinda studying you want to do.
upon evaluation,
there are three main types of studyers.

1. there are people who like to question every doubt they have, the moment they come across it. their first instinct is, to look up and find an answer. or find someone with an answer. usually they look for someone with an answer, because its easier, and you can question and identify the exact solution to your exact problem.
these kinda people, should study with people who are the second kinda studyer:

2. these people are studying, but they welcome/dont mind a distraction. of course, they're studying and getting things done, but obviously they're not in a zone of studying, because the moment a distraction comes along, they are happy to respond to it. these distractions or little "mental breaks" come in many forms. they could be, questions from Studyer#1, they may be people who're walking by and stop to say hi, or they may simply be the constant urge to look for sth to do to take a break. like, walk to the vending machine, go to the toilet, fill up the waterbottle...etc. but of course, they do get their work done, when they are studying. dynamic studyers, i suppose.

3. then there are people who study in a zone. they enter the zone and that is it. they are unaware of things going on around them, and it doesnt bother them, cos that's the way they like it. but when they decide they need a break, they look around for a short break, and may inevitably always find it with Studyer#2, and occasionally Studyer#1. oh, plus they usually already have something planned for breaktime eg. at 12pm i'm going to eat lunch/walk to the co-op, and at 3pm i'm going to go for tutorial and at 6pm i have dinner with so-and-so, insert random loved one or randomly insert loved one. (just an eg.). the static studyer.

i think this studying season, i've mostly been a studyer#2. on the rare occasion i'm studyer#3. when i study with studyer#1s, i tend to become like studyer#1, cos its somehow an equalising effect. but i think i study best when i'm studyer#3.
and the rest of the time where i didnt fit these brief descriptions to a 70%-relevance match, chances are i wasn't really studying. i could have been passing time, waiting for something better to start.
what kinda studyer are you? and who have you been studying with?
honestly i feel studying with the wrong people might be distracting and detrimental, from a perfectly non-personal point of view. i have nothing against any kinda studyer in particular. just saying that, it makes a difference. then again, what kinda studyer i am depends on what subject i'm studying so i guess there is variability. generally i've found that i like to study alone, or just with one other person. or with the same kinda studyers. studied with a few new people recently..
mo6ilan, you're quite a good studypartner haha.

okay guess we'll talk about study environments some other time la huh? another crucial factor, i've come to realise.

in other news, FRIENDS AND FAMILY, i bought new climbing shoes today!
introducing, my new anasazi moccasym(: so exciting. and happifying. impulse decision to go today, but guess we were planning to buy new shoes soon. actually the first pair that caught my eye didn't have my size. but these were the most comfortable and appealing, i felt(: after many other try-ons.

gorgeous ah. SO sleek.

2006-10-20T16:59:00.000+08:00

but i didnt know that we
we could break a silver lining
-tori amos, a sorta fairytale

being sick makes you realise that you just need to sit back and relax sometimes and not let stress get the better of you. why be so hard on yourself if all its going to do is make you feel like you're not doing enough, you're not good enough, you're not doing it right?
gotta learn to somehow translate the stress i put myself under into something more constructive and positive. first time in med i stayed home because i was sick (only other time mightve been in first sem of year 1 where i overslept, in which case i -stayed home- in hall, not really "home".)
well anyway, i've been sleeping a whole lot. in the last 24 hours i've slept about 17 hours. feel a lot better after that though. worth missing sch, even though it was cometoschoolinculturalcostumes-day, since its deepavali and hari raya festive season. shall take a look at the photos later.
in other news, while i was trying to feed scott some of my banana milk, he excitedly jumped onto the table and tipped it, thereby killing a goose. snapped at the neck, but something tells me this goose was glued together at its neck prior to this, so maybe we wont get into that much nagging when i tell the parents (mom, more specifically) later haha.

2006-10-15T08:59:00.000+08:00

the weeks have just been rolling by, and i dont think i've done anything spectacular with my time. so my ever-latent bad habits come back to haunt me, lack of time management, lack of motivation, procastination.
3 weeks more. basket.
it's like this: it's either now i revamp and do okay in CAs, or next year i suffer a miserable struggle through endless amounts of material in an attempt to undo damage done by the CAs, then later kick myself for screwing up opportunities. so, revamp it is. good job guys. easy conclusion.
anw in other news, dare to dream, friends?
k whee its sunday! a whole sunday at home! let's make sunday the start of NITA'S EVOLUTION & RESOLUTION. (and no, it's not funny. i'm not a primate (despite my monkey hands, crys!))

2006-09-16T02:43:00.000+08:00

i think i'm quite ready to move on, to better things, to new hopes, ready to get accustomed to a new lifestyle. one that's more fulfilling, more passionfilled, more daring, more aims and dreams, and more push.
more push.
more true to myself.

as i watch the setting sun, i wonder if i'm the only one

so i thank you friends, and family for the wonderful week.
you are loved.

2006-08-11T00:59:00.000+08:00

okayy friends and family. school starts tmr!
i think i'm pretty much ready to discover what awaits me for the next few months or so. batam trip made me happy again, its always nice spending time with people who.. you know so well. and who know you so well. and dont mind if you do the gitty dance randomly (right bano?) or threaten to steal one of their curls. and settler's w rjodacgirls rocks la. hahaaha. JUNGLE SPEED my friends.
i love batam people. they are too friendly.
so tmr, lt28. climbing. floorball? maybe not. LIBRARY? probably not.

i'm on a budget for the rest of the month too. i need to spend less than 100 dollars for the next..20 days? okay. i think it might be possible.

2006-08-02T02:10:00.000+08:00

HAHAHA so SUE ME, i'm just feeling VERY HAPPY my friends (:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

2006-07-17T02:05:00.000+08:00

(:
off to krabi tmr. will be back on the 30th of august, not sure what time.
okay good point i shall check in a bit.
i'm kinda packed. well. i've got everything i wanna bring packed into ziplocks kinda, but i dont wanna put it into the bag cos well.. some clothes coming in fr laundry tmr, and toiletries - i need them tmr morning, and i cant decide if i'd still want to wear those bright shorts tmr or if i want to wear the other grey one.
and, there are other things to pack too of course, like my slippers (downstairs), batteries for camera (gotta buy), sunblock (still contemplating), plastic bags, bunch of other -stuff. HMNN.
tmr morning la. before i go for breakfast w rgodacers.

i am happy. two weeks (:
love to all, goodbye (:

2006-06-27T16:01:00.000+08:00

holidays have passed by pretty fast. krabi is upcoming, supremely exciting.. though on sunday i died at the yishun verticals. new routes! but they had an open house over the weekend, so everything was free! the 15m walls, the bouldering gym, the 25m walls, parachute jump, and the treetop canopy walk! only thing i didnt manage to do was the 25m wall. no time, heh.
well my week is pretty much packed this week, next week will fill itself, i'm sure. driving's been good, i was officially a one year driver last week! going for climbing later, and since my dad's back early from sch i get the car (:
anyway i'm looking forward to the possibility of batam again! b-a-t-a-m!
this is a rather unfair update, i realise. well i'll blog again another time. nobody really reads this anyway haha.

2006-06-11T23:42:00.000+08:00

today i felt that fleeting moment of loneliness.
when i analyse it, i think its just me overreacting. but i still felt it, you know? i want my parents home to fill the house with noise and movement again, i think it'll help.
i've got little reason to feel lonely, well yes, some. but not quite justifiable yeah?

today a day of climbing! (: feels good, that raw feeling of your fingers.

2006-06-06T05:29:00.000+08:00

so anyway, my parents are off in australia, visiting my brother in melbourne. so, i've been left to take care of the house and the car.
please, can i please inform you, about how terrible a road navigator i am? i mean seriously. i read maps really well. but somehow, the moment i make a wrong turn everything goes wrong. its like, i know i'm supposed to head back or make a u-turn, but smart me always decides that i should be able to do something smarter about it, like, why go back, just, work around it!
and more often than not, i end up passing through places i never intended to be.
i think, by the time my parents come back, i'd have filled the tank twice, i'm guessing. let's just hope that, at the end of two weeks, all my getting lost, and exploring, and map reading, will result in me being a pro at driving navigation. WILL FEEDBACK.
in other news, my brother has a well grown "awesome" beard. the kind that joins the moustache to the beard, the whole deal. thick. not just fuzzy. he likes it. i saw a picture, its pretty cool. but a year from now i might be like, what. what. why'd you ever do that? but right now, i'll agree with him. its pretty awesome.

2006-05-04T09:38:00.000+08:00

for the best macha :) in the world so wide.

Your...

its perfect,
cos you give eternity for every second
cos you cry a river for every smile
its perfect,
cos you brave the emptiness for every hug
and cos for every doubt you throw it out

when the sky starts to fall,
all is drenched
and no shelter can be enough
cos you slowly tear (it apart, you apart)
but know that 9,560 miles away i try
sometimes a wince sometimes a smile

cos its perfect,
even when it breaks.

...Love.

A Useful Source:
http://www.macchiato.com/distance/

2006-04-20T10:30:00.000+08:00

its nice to see your papa happy on his 55th birthday, when that little bit of effort you put in succeeds in making him smile. happy happy. i like happy people. i love my pa. my fav man. :)
i went jogging just now, and nearly died. i swear, i experienced extreme colicky pains in the abdominal region. it was painful. (i know why they say, that ureteric stones cause a type of colicky pain, that is said to be extremely excruciating. all colicky pains are evil. smooth muscles gerahh!) but..the initial jog was good. all rare things must be appreciated, no?
i want to climb but i'm so lazy to get to the rockgym. and i decided that post my near-death experience, i should be allowed to take it easy.
i have an aim! everybody help me with it! i need to loose 3 kg. they say, to increase strength/weight ratio. i start today. :P
and friends, i was irritated. i won a pair of mirrormask tickets, but only checked my email at 8.23pm yesterday, and the tickets were for 7pm. they only sent out the email one day before! who am i, ms email-checker? i hope, my letter of appeal/complain is addressed soon. c'mon GV, be nice. and i'm sorry darylbabe, since i was supposed to take you if i won!
edit: GV is nice. great customer service please :) they just called me, and they're providing me with replacement tickets whee! daryl babe i'll call you and ask you out soon! heh.

2006-04-14T16:54:00.000+08:00

so saus kindly informed me that, posting lyrics isnt considered updating your blog.
anyway, past few days have been good, cycling playing going out climbing catching up. good stuff. though yesterday i nearly went insane with restlessness at home at night.
i am awaiting the arrival of all my america-and-uk-swept friends, cos, we'll have a hellofagoodtime when they get back!
shit, kamya now i can drive! imagine, midnightmilodinosaurs that last til..5 am? swimming? sleepovers? (plus nizam and andee outings, which only increase exponentially in number when kamya gets back..sentosa, people? with, hilarious videos! there are many things that we have to do! one of which is, cable ski-ing at east coast!!)
batch10 will double in number once again aman crys angelica wheeheehee, and odac19 will have one of their classic rare outings.
jennurie-n outings? and sleepover :) icecream!! and hanging out. ooh. hehheh.
shit, i cant wait.
plus i still havent had all my fun with all them medpeople, and havent seen old friends in such a long time.
plus, i really should be planning my overseas trips.
you know, i really cant wait for next sem to start either, i feel like i need to go back to lectures! and tutorials, and do things the right way instead of the horriblywrong way i did them last sem. i am such a nerd, indeed. wheeheehee. and yafs and i, we're supposed to revamp our lanmus plans.

excited!
happy new year tamils and punjabis. and happy good friday. and HAPPY birthday harsharaaaaan :)

2006-04-13T21:49:00.000+08:00

So if you're lonely
You know I'm here waiting for you
I'm just a cross-hair
I'm just a shot away from you
And if you leave here
You leave me broken, shattered alive
I'm just a cross-hair
I'm just a shot, then we can die
I know I won't be leaving here with you

I say don't you know
You say you don't know
I say... take me out

I stay, you don't show
Don't move, tired and slow
I say... take me out

I say you don't know
You say you don't go
I say... take me out

If I move, this could die
If eyes move, this could die
I want you, to take me out

I know I won't be leaving here (with you)
I know I won't be leaving here
I know I won't be leaving here (with you)
I know I won't be leaving here with you

I say don't you know
You say you don't know
I say... take me out

If I wait, this could die
If I wait, this should die
I want you, to take me out

If I move, this could die
If eyes move, this can die
Come on... take me out

I know I won't be leaving here (with you)
I know I won't be leaving here
I know I won't be leaving here (with you)
I know I won't be leaving here with you

2006-04-04T02:09:00.000+08:00

dear friends,
nita experienced great trauma on the night of april 3rd, as she vigorously attempted to mug vast amounts of biochemistry, in a last attempt to save her grade. at 1.41am she slipped into deep sleep, upon finishing the enzyme kinetics set of notes. at 1.57 she awoke, discovered her notes had mysteriously settled under the bed, retrieved them, and started on the last set of enzyme notes; enzyme regulation.
she needed a break, at 2.09, after racing through this set of notes (realising that there was a high chance that the only thing she remembers would be the NSAIDS/aspirin inhibitory effect on cyclooxygenase, responsible for formation of prostaglandins which would effect inflammatory response, usually resulting in fever. and she fears she might not remember this, seven hours from now as she sits for her First Year Professional Examinations for Biochemistry.)
she still has, the entire genetics to go through, bioenergetics, and hopefully she will find strength and recap her carbo and lipid metab. she hopes to sleep, but realises that this may not be possible. in moments of weakness she contemplates surrendering, and giving in to the temptation of watching her three OC season 3 episodes that await her on the computer, which have been downloaded in preparation for Madness Fun on wednesday, after her last exam.
i hope, when you see nita next, you will give her a hug or an understanding pat on the back, for she has indeed, experienced great trauma, and may very well never be the same person again.
love lots,
a person who knows, and understands.

2006-03-18T21:44:00.000+08:00

this blog has come to speak little of which i really feel.
just random statements pieced together.
i miss reading and writing blog entries that really capture the feelings of the moment, the ones that make you remember exactly how you felt at that point in time, what true happiness, sadness, desperation, heartbreak, strength, satisfaction, carefree, are really all about, just because they remind you of all the small little things that happened which slipped your mind.
i dont know what i've become, kind of like i forgot which direction i was heading in. i dont know what i should be working towards. as i grew older i always wanted to be like someone else, never the person i used to be. and so, we all evolve, to fit the personality we want to achieve. and that becomes who we are. you think? maybe i just subconsciously find a need to change who i am whenever things go wrong, cos if i wasnt that person to start with, things would never have gone wrong. is that psychotic?
oh well, how come its so easy to forget the good times and yet you will always remember the times gone bad, despite them being fewer in number?
things mightve been different from the start, if i wasnt the person i was trying to be, when i met you. or if i wasnt the person you thought i was. or if i wasnt the person i thought i was. i dont know what i'm saying. but maybe things arent so bad right now.
so tell me then, do you think i've changed from the last memory you have of me?
the worst way to cheat yourself is to pretend to be something you're not. though sometimes people think that's a better way to live the hardest part of their life.

2006-03-03T23:57:00.000+08:00

omg, i, have, never, had, to, study, so, hard, in, my, life, before. it, has, never, been, this, much, of, a, strain! as in. its really quite challenging. i haven't studiedstudied properly in like, a year plusplusplus, my brains arent used to the stress!! staying in hall and just being lazy wrt academics made me a completelyuseless student last year.

basket. i spent, about seven hours in the anatomy museum today (i've already minused off the 2 hours for lunchbreak, and saleem'ssurprisebdaycelebration- happy birthday boy(: ) and, i still feel like i need to spend another 10 hours on anatomy before i will be ready for spots.
and, i now have officially approx 48 hours, before the day of my first exam, including sleeping hours. of course, this would all have been easier if i'd actually been awake in at least 60% of lectures last yearr, but noo, nita never learns from her jcdays. why not? she lives in a world of her own where she thinks that everything will be alright in the end. when oh when will she realise that things can be more than just alright, if she learns from her mistakes? SOON. basket.

anyway, all the best to fellow friends, who have exams, med or not, mad or not.
strive on! then it's another 3 weeks of TRUEBLUEMUGGING, and we will hopefully have no regrets, and get to spend 3months doing something reallyyy exciting and fun.
pleasepleaseplease.
i wish i had a birthday wish to increase the chances of making this one wish come true. hahaha lucky saleem? ohWELL.

2006-02-27T21:17:00.000+08:00

DARYL PHUA.
because of you, i am laughing so hard people might think i'm severely stressed. which might potentially be true. but anw:
i went back home today, mildly traumatised by the histo review. after a long nap, i finally decided to get down to some work, and i took out my BONE notes, and on page8, i see a picture of a decalcified bone exhibiting flexibility, and its been annotated: "hello nita! this is an auntie anne PRETZEL!! are you hungry yet?"
1. to be honest i found it initially revolting, that you could have thought of eating it, 2. you'll be glad to know that i was highly amused after that, and 3. now what's troubling me is that i actually really DO feel hungry for an auntie anne.

2006-02-26T14:54:00.000+08:00

lookee here.
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=9.82
and
http://kevan.org/johari?name=9.82

no hard feelings, promise. :P
idea inspired by nizam.

2006-02-25T21:37:00.000+08:00

don't you think it's corny, that the humerus bone and the funny bone are so closely related. in fact, they may very well be the same thing.
who knows whether people refer to the humerus or the ulna when they say "ahhh i hit my funny bone!" when actually what they mean is "basket, i hit my ulnar nerve!"

anyway, i had a nice time at yishun safra. it wasnt that crowded, and the weather wasn't bad, just a bit too hot at some points. did i mention, i love 969. i also love loveactually. and i bet i will love sweetnovember. oh boy, what happened to my muggy saturday? damn you, jack.

i want to go to america already! RAWRRRRRRR.

2006-02-14T22:58:00.000+08:00

today i went on a search for two presents for two special people, at parkway parade, after an expensive lunch at thai express which was only expensive because its valentine's day. that's alright though, i did have the company of two great friends, which should have been four, but always look on the bright side of life.
i came back with one (present), and it wasnt the original item i'd set out to get, but it was nonetheless an excellent alternative. and i searched high and low and couldn't find the second present i was looking for. i walked around without an aim, playing with ideas that kept popping up in my head and i stopped at mph for close to an hour, because did you know? they have a dvd/vcd rental service and music store within the mph. i stopped at the magazine section cos i saw a magazine with the perfect title, for one of the 2 special people, but it was wrapped, and costly for something who's (who-used for people, but is there such a thing as which's?) contents i could not judge. i slit a bit of the plastic wrapper, just a line down the side so that i could take a peek into its contents, and i realised that it wasnt what i wanted or rather what i'd had in mind, and pondered why it was still on sale since it was the january issue. but i figured that's only cos the feb issue isn't out yet.
iit also hit me that there is a difference between levi's and levy's, something simple that i should have realised when i was surfing the net a few nights ago. but people don't take note of the little things as much as they should.
i spent quite a while listening to this album, it was a 3 cds for the price of one offer, something about the best collection of latin guitar. since i'd had to ask for special permission to listen to the cds, i figured i might as well check them out well and good instead of just buying them, tempting as it was at such a good price. at first i thought hell yeah this is a good one, then after listening to it for like 20 minutes, (which is a mighty long time might i add, considering i was standing with a guyton, my adidas sling, and that one present i'd just bought, plus the flower which i must say has gone through a rough time) i thought maybe not, and i wanted to return it to the counter but i felt a tad guilty about not buying it after listening to all 3 cds, albeit selected tracks. but yeah, i returned it. it didn't seem like the perfect choice.
and so i went on to try an obtain the present i had in mind, that had all along seemed to be one of two of the best ideas, but hell no, i couldnt find it. they didn't have it. i requested they check to see if their branch at orchard sold it, but nope they didn't either. and then i had a second stroke of brilliance (the first was the alternative first present) and messaged this classmate of mine from rgs, who would definitely know where i could get it. and i haven't talked to her in 2 years, approx. but where's the wrong in that. the only thing i could see going wrong was, her number might've changed.
but i got a reply, and a good one at that, but this was after i'd made two 100 calls to find out the numbers of two other retail branches (the second retail branch was recommended by the saleslady at the first retail branch). and anyway, these two calls helped narrow down my search, and my exclassmate's message served to confirm it.
now why hadn't i done this before? it seemed so much simpler, to just make a few calls and check first. why was it that i didn't mind walking around instead, while i think this out? i suspect i know the reason, but nevermind. why talk about something that has been so talked about (yes, by me and others around me)? (*)
well anyway, the mph vcd/dvd rental shop inspired me to stop at the nearby dvd rental shop (near my house) and i got Crash, and A la Folie, pas du Tout (someting like that).
and i bought chng tng for my family.
and i came home, slept, woke up to eat dinner, and Crash.
and now here i sit. and i need to do my anatomy tutorial, and i need to prep for tmr's school and aftersch studying plan.
and i dont know why you read all of this, but since you did i conclude that it's either the same reason as this (*), or you simply love me too much. but thanks anyway, ya'll. i think.
i did have a point to all this really, but its much too deep to develop on blogger. and i'm so so tired?

2006-02-09T21:34:00.000+08:00

i feel like:
1. i'm falling sick
2. i'm not studying enough
3. i'm not sleeping enough
4. i'm stressed.
february just may not be my month. tragic. i hope everyone else has a great feb.
dont fib in feb; be fab.

2006-02-02T00:08:00.000+08:00

february's here.
so many plans, so many desires, yet once again you choose the safe path, and what if this time you're having doubts again? what if this time, you want to walk back to the fork and tread the alternative path.
what will you loose? everything to gain, yet there's so much to loose. it's almost like blackjack, you take a risk cos you know that better things await you, and yet you could loose everything you started with and more. and more. and more and more and more and more!
just got back from climbing a while ago, and i fell asleep waiting for my blogger page to load, before the water heater was ready. (you know you're a little too tired for your own good when, you're sitting and staring and waiting, and suddenly you don't even realise it, but you're drooling. - momentary lapses in the muscles there. it HAPPENS okay.)
in other news, i went to the President of India's speech today! he's a cool guy, he is. i met the president of india i met the president of india i met the president of indiaaa wheee. :) how amazing.
[tired. there's still pbl to do. and tutorial.
somebody, tell me what i'm doing wrong?]

2006-01-30T15:19:00.000+08:00

everyone! sing along, now!

Roobaroo

aye saala
abhi abhi huaa yaqeen ki aag hai mujh mein kahi
hui subaah main chal gaya
suraj ko main nigal gaya
ruu-ba-ruu roshni heyy - 2

jo gumshuda-sa khwaab tha
voh mil gaya voh khil gaya
uulon hathaa pighal gaya
kichhaa kichhaa machal gaya
sitaar mein badal gaya
ruu-ba-ruu roshni heyy - 2

(dhuaan chhataa khula gagan mera
nayi dagar naya safar mera
jo ban sake tu hamsafar mera
nazar mila zara) - 2

aandhiyon se jaghad rahi hai lau meri
ab mashaalon si bhad rahi hai lau meri
naamo nishaan rahe na rahe
ye kaaravaan rahe na rahe
ujaale mein pee gaya
roshan huaa jee gaya
kyon sehte rahe
ruu-ba-ruu roshni heyy - 2
dhuaan chhataa khula gagan mera
nayi dagar naya safar mera
jo ban sake tu hamsafar mera
nazar mila zara
ruu-ba-ruu roshni heyy - 2
aye saala - 4

2006-01-27T21:33:00.000+08:00

alrights! long weekend ahead friends. :)
i now own a beautiful new adidas sling bag! okay yay no more slowly-ripping (yet cool) rgs sec1 orientation black sling. this is so much cooler, courtesy of my mom. couldn't find the adidas jacket i wanted though, but that's alright. i can live with it. i mean, without it. it wasnt That Gorgeous anyway.
plus i went to the dentist. i love that dentist. he's damn nice.
plus, for cny i have house season 1 to watch, courtesy of saleem, courtesy of his friend. oh, the simple joys of my life. i can tell, this weekend is going to be exxcelllente.
oh and plus, hindi movie tmr?
happy new year guys :)
and so its alright after all, chin up, it gets better.. eventually. :)

2006-01-20T23:54:00.000+08:00

you know something is wrong when you're looking at your blog, and you have all these things you feel like writing down. but suddenly your blog isnt the place for it anymore. suddenly not everything that goes through your mind is okay to be read by everyone. and that's when it truly sucks. it never really mattered, who read this blog, because i knew that the few who did who mattered wouldnt judge me for what's running through my mind anyway, and hi-bye to the rest, you know?

dealing with change in your life is something that i've got to get used to.

when you've got all these mixed emotions running through your mind, its amazing how the heart always finds time for more. you try and shut it out but your heart never really listens. its like as though you never learn. its like that game you like to play, because there was this one time you played it, and it was just so damn fun. and you're searching, and waiting, looking for that perfect game again.

well today i feel like i've run out of chance cards, i'm no longer rolling doubles, and i sure as hell refuse to go directly to jail. it almost seems like i've had enough. in more ways than one, i have.
and yet, i know that one day i'll sell everything, if only for a chance to pass go again.

why, i ask? why should i search for that perfect game again?

[ f o u r ], step back to [ o n e ].

2005-12-25T23:36:00.000+08:00

perhaps there are so many things to say, that the most efficient way of saying it, if not face to face, if not through the phone, is by email.
perhaps that's our weakness, communication. the lack of it.
so here it comes, here i go. perhaps today tonight or tommorrow. but it will come.

2005-12-12T14:41:00.000+08:00

i've been watching grey's anatomy, it's a really nice serial about surgery interns. heard about it from some of my anatomy friends at marcus' bbq so i went back to activate my downloads.
so now that frs is over (frs is the research programme that lasted a week), my holidays have officially started, and today is day3. i've got climbing training later, at climbasia. ought to be fun ;)

saturday was quiite a good day, started out with the SP climbing competition..screwed up the first vertical climb 'cos of poor route reading, but bouldering made up for it. pretty happy about that part, though i was faulted for accidentally using the ledge at the top! gah. wasted attempt/time.
and then, there was commissioning parade, which was really a beautiful sight, seeing some of our odac boys in their white uniforms. congratulations jayyce and jamz and cheech and zy! lots of med people in the crowd, and rj, rg people as well. if only i had photos.
wait, i do. :)

but i'm too lazy, at this point in time, and blogger isnt cooperating. so, next post then!
off to watch my downloads and then training!

2005-12-04T23:04:00.000+08:00

in response to andee's tag-ification..

"Rules of the game:
1. post 5 weird/random stuff abt yourself
2. at the end, list the names of 5 ppl who you want next to this and leave a comment “YOU ARE TAGGED” in their blogs and tell them to read your blog for rules!" -ripped directly off andee's blog.

1. cockroaches scare the hell outta me, be it if they're just standing still, worse still if they're flying (someone once told me that only pregnant cockroaches fly). but lizards don't bother me much. my theory is that, lizards at least make the effort to run away from you or just sit peacefully in a corner (bobby, yes like how i once studied next to a lizard), but cockroaches are just plain stupid, God knows how they've survived millions of years. they just run straight AT you, or fly randomly around! EVIL. in my house my mom is the official cockroach catcher, my brother occasionally dabbles with bravery though he is less successful, and my father and i stand on furniture upon sighting them. mom's fav quote everytime i have to wake her/rouse her/beg her to come catch the cockroach "aiyo you can climb a mountain but still scared of cockroaches". my brother's "i caught it la, really really. just go back to sleep" although i'm very sure he missed!

2. sometimes when i'm lying on my bed at night, or if i wake up in the middle of the night, and i'm suddenly feeling very apprehensive and scared, cos i mightve heard some sounds that seem to come from outside my room or the balcony, i tell myself, if i don't hear another sound in 10 seconds it means everything's okay, or, if i count to ten and by then i've not been stabbed/shot/smashedintheheadwithabluntobject, everything's going to be okay. and then i'll proceed to count Really Fast, to 10, within 3 seconds. and somehow i feel much better immediately after that, and can resume sleeping amazingly peacefully.

3. my father still calls me baby, although i guess he doesn't think of me literally as his baby, just that now its become more my name, than nita has. and i don't mind. in fact, the rare times that he actually calls me nita i will notice, because it feels funny.

4. my first email address was created in primary six, and it is the one that i use to log into msn. the numbers in my email address are my psle index number, probably because i performed beyond my expectations, and hence assumed them to be a divine set of numbers. but i've stopped using this email for actual email purposes, just for msn. it's full of spam. (another email address that was created shortly after this one was peacemaker@wolf-web.com. still like that one-haha)

5. sometimes my imagination is so strong, that when i dream or think about something over and over again, i begin to feel like i've already done it. somewhat akin to that time i kept thinking i should go jogging in the evening, and i'd use to picture myself jogging, the route i'd run, so much so that postthethoughts, i'd actually feel good, like as though i'd already exercised. believe me, sometimes i even feel slimmer.

and the five people that i tag in return ARE daryl saus melody mog and crystal. make me happy and do it, please? :)

2005-11-26T02:41:00.000+08:00

holy magoly!
i just understood the meaning of the song Because of You by Kelly Clarkson! after watching the complete video. the song that just keeps running through your head. interestingg.
lanmus lanmus. anatomy. lower limbs, once again there, discovering new things that i never knew, just like how it was for upper limbs two days ago. scoof. this is whaat smoking your way through tutorial does to you! argh.
physio and biochem in a mess! argh! three days left! argh!
but anyway long happy weekend. i am fat yet happy. went to my grandma's house just now! and whacked cake. whee.
ok time to get stressed!

argh!

2005-11-20T13:19:00.000+08:00

i'm going to my tuition teacher's house today, finally called the lovely ol' man.

i also need to mug GIT, and some biochem today. tell me loves, it's possible?
i also don't want to go back to hall tonight. it seems to be a "school-less" day this monday-dynamo.

sometimes the jail cant chain the cell,
and the rain's too plain to tell,
all alone by a barren well,
the scarecrows only scaring himself!

2005-11-12T12:58:00.000+08:00

okay, i didn't really mean for that entry to be a sympathy call, but thank you all anyways. i love ya'll. all you america-based learners, i can't wait to see ya'll again.

i had a great weekend, last weekend, at pelapah waterfalls in kota tinggi.
photos for visual effects.

2005-11-03T22:03:00.000+08:00

i couldn't sleep last night cos i was thinking how tragic it is that the only friend whom i can have nonsense phonecalls with and talk about nothing, and practically talk till one of us falls asleep on the other, is in america. my best friend is in america. and i'm here, and it's not the same anymore, and i miss that. i can't wait for december, i can't wait for you to start calling me again, be it the rare psychotic-ly early morning calls, where you immitate my mmm-s and ahhh-s, and try to rouse me from my deepdeepsleep. or just the random purposeless calls.
and the hanging out in your house. and my house, when i get my way, and manage to convince you to come down. and sleeping over. and eating ice cream in the swimming pool though it almost gives us pneumonia running to that stall dripping wet and back into the pool.
and my insisting on drinking ice lemon tea at the movies. and finally compromising, by buying mountain dew, the true survivor drink.

crap.
you stupid goondu.
i bloody love you.

and sometimes i dream, that i'd be in a number 10 on the way to nus, instead of waking up at hall, that i'd be giving you my typical dead calls on the hp making sure you were at the bayshore busstop ready to hop onto the same bus, as we make our sleepy-eyed journey down to lt29, for morning lectures. and when break comes, when it's lunch time, we'd probably be travelling to yih for lunch more often, or perhaps even the spinelli at the uni-hall that i've yet to try, since you'd probably hate the vegetarian food at the sci canteen. and you may not be in climbing, but sometimes you'd wait for me to end training so that we could take the fricking number 10 home.
and you'd share my friends and i'd share yours, easily, now that we're in the same school, finally.
and.. enough. i am not delusional,
and, sometimes its okay to picture life down another path,
and, imagine the what-ifs.

but then it hits you, life is not that dream.
and it hurts.

2005-11-02T06:43:00.000+08:00

morning high!
there's nothing like, waking up at home on a day when you'd expect to be in hall. nothing like, hearing your stereo alarm go off, and waking up to a mid-song.

oh until the dawn it brings
another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
cause you and i both loved
what you and i spoke of
and others just read of
others only read of the love
of the love that i love

should it be a plus, that i received an i love you lots! message, albeit by the wrong person, albeit for the wrong person? ;) i still dont know how you mixed that up. i shall await an explanation today :P

oh, and did i add, my papa's on school holidays, so what does this mean? i get to drive to school today.
i'm on a roll, its november!

kamya HAPPY DIWALI :) daylight timesaving. six in the evening. i hope you're going for a good dinner. "i love you lots!" i do. :)

2005-10-30T22:09:00.000+08:00

my mom says that our family is the only one that finishes their pineapple tarts and goodies before deepavali comes.
i claim that she subconsciously collected the tarts earlier cos she wanted them too, and the actual date of deepavali was insignificant, just as long as it is in the viscinity of time.
i can't wait for dinner on tuesday. which is possibly the only thing that might lead people to believe that we are indeed Hindu, and technically do celebrate diwali. but anyway the reason why i can't wait is cos the food will be great.
i also cannot wait for hari raya because not only is it a holiday, but it means we can visit my extuition teacher, who's gift we have already bought, in anticipation of being invited. plus he often gives us pineapple tarts as well.
i love the holidays, don't you?

welcome, november. as october draws to an end, leaving september as merely a distant memory, signifying the end of a year i feel i never quite lived til' the end, a year that flew by cos i spent my time pondering the future, a year that swung by cos i was waiting for the bells to ring.
wake up, they've rung.

2005-10-16T00:30:00.000+08:00

on a brighter note, my gilmore download is on its way. slowly but surely.
something to make me happy, on a lonely-er than usual sunday, despite its busy plan.

2005-10-16T00:19:00.000+08:00

i think i've screwed up the first sem of med.. how could this be happening to me again? this is like, reliving my horrible jc habits, my procastination, my lastminuteness, my addiction to the computer, and my coming home late, and tiredness from training.
i need to start studying. properly. i've never been to the study room in kevii, i think i should check it out. med people seem to love it, i have no idea why! maybe there's a mysterious force, built up over the years, some power, that all med kevii people can benefit from if they study there.
wth. i just need to start studying.

i really want to go on a holiday.
i really want to climb more.
i really want to hear from you soon.
i really want to start studying.

please? inspiration.
two songs of the moment: walking in memphis, lonestar. and disneyland, five for fighting.

to saus babe who's probably racing vigorously now, i hope you are having a lot of fun. and i hope they're taking care of you.

i love you, and i miss you, you, you and you.
(eww i'm doing the you you thing. ewwww. but its true. but ewww.)

2005-10-01T23:26:00.000+08:00

september really did glide by. and yes, it definitely had its moments. my moments, that well.. i'll remember for what i'd like to think is a really long time. perhaps after 30 days of living in a good month, it seems hard to imagine what it'd be like after. you begin to realise that it was a lot to do with the mind, the feel good factor. and that it should never be given a time period, cos we all hope it never has to end.
my mistake. but no regrets somehow.
when i said a moment could last forever, perhaps somehow a month can stretch even longer.
still definitely, a sweet september, no?

in a weird mood. just watched ep4 of the oc. and it just keeps getting better.

i watched STOMP, yes. it was fantastic.
i need to study.

2005-09-15T02:46:00.000+08:00

my oc download is taking forever, after 2 error-ed downloads, i can't believe i'm desperate enough to give it a third attempt. but that's me, a truebluegreenyellow oc fan. i dont have blu-tac, i have yet to put up Seth's poster in my hall room, its still rolled up, waiting to be mounted.
i like climbing! i feel like climbing! i cant believe i didnt go for climbing today! why do i complicate my life so much! there's a climbing camp this weekend! why is it over the weekend! does nobody else realise how precious the weekend is! so sad! i have to decide how to fit in everything i really wanna do this weekend. i hope its possible?
oh well.
[..i don't want to be anything other than what i've been trying to be lately
all i have to do is think of me and i have peace of mind
i'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what i gotta do
or who i'm supposed to be
i don't want to be anything other than me..]

2005-09-11T00:41:00.000+08:00

the month of august passes, there are no more farewells to bid to america-bound people, now time's running up for the uk-bound.

left right centre, people falling in love, people falling in like, people already in love, people who have loved, people who hope for love, people who've had enough of love. september comes and september goes, the magic is only there for a moment, fleeting? forever? hopefully?
i wonder how much i have changed, how close i am to what i hoped i'd be. i guess my life is taking some form of shape, it's found some kind of direction. the one emotion i feel this very moment, is anticipation. anticipation of how things will turn out, friendships, commitments, climbing, medicine.

i've had enough of missed opportunities. i think its better to just, take that step, perhaps even that leap. everyone says they never wanna look back and say -damn!, but somehow i think it's worse if one day you look back and you realise that you've simply.. got nothing to look back upon.

[..and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive..]

2005-09-02T00:46:00.000+08:00

i cannot begin to tell you how beautiful the first of september was.
it is difficult to put down in words, yet in my mind, it replays with amazing clarity, perhaps even with zoom function and easy rewind and skip tracks and fast forward, and slow-mo.
cos a moment could last forever, and forever could be just.. perfect.

2005-08-22T23:35:00.000+08:00

i'm in hall now!
and i'm actually -kinda- hungry. but i've stuffed myself with these biscuits, so now i'm full, yet craving better food. for the first time, i left nus past eight, because i was in the library, reading about upper limbs. finally i know what's going on. and this is just the bones, i have yet to reach the muscles.
all my other lectures passed by in a whiz, i have no idea what went on, what we were supposed to learn, what others learnt. when i decide to be hardworking and glance through the ppts before the lecture, i realise that i have no clue what's going on, and that i need a textbook to bring me through the notes. and for that i feel silly reading the tb before i've been "taught" the topic. but now i've come to realise that we've gotta be reading up wayy before, if not you might as well bring a storybook into the lecture to entertain yourself. or just sleep in.
trying to fit myself into a hall routine, one that involves exercise hopefully.
i wonder how everyone's doing in america, and in ntu/smu, and in army, and in brunei. i know i havn't been blogging much, but well, i havnt really felt the great compulsion to talk about anything much.
brief updates-
--not a very successful dj night at somu's party, considering one of my speakers died miserably. and the other bordered on death.
--went for a walkathon on sunday morning that ended at rj, hang-ed with banos and lydia, then met nizam to catch up n stuff.
--booked back into camp. uh wait a minute, i meant, drove back to hall. :)
okay well, that's about it. i'm doing okay, august seems to be passing by faster than i thought it would, which is good in some ways, bad in others.
yet september looks promising.
sweet september. i want you.
oh and i bought myself a book, my sister's keeper. shall go read it in a few minutes.
g'night all.
oh and good music: James Blunt. i love his voice, i love the guitar-ishness.
my husband will sing and be a pro at the guitar.. i suck at learning it, so at least let me enjoy it.

2005-08-07T04:41:00.000+08:00

wow.
august sixth. you're gone. i'm gonna miss you like crazy. msn and calling cards just won't quite do the job. but yeah. better than nothing.
holy shit.
everyone's left, about to leave, leaving, will leave eventually. holy shit.

2005-08-02T09:10:00.000+08:00

okay, i think everyone's sick of reading my last post about driving.
truth is, i think i've finally rid myself of my terrible online routine, ever since my computer started giving problems. i guess it helps that i have other things going on in life as well, like my cousins who came over from dubai and uk, and going out with people that matter.
so, updates on my life.
it's already aug 2nd, school technically began unofficially last week, "officially" this week, and it actually trulytruly begins next week. orientation's been difficult for me, to tell the truth. i find myself wanting to go for it, then the next moment i feel like maybe i should be spending the time with people who will soon be leaving, then i think about uni and how its five years, but i think about my best friend and other close friends who will be leaving, most in the next two weeks, others later, and my cousins who leave on wed night, and i feel so, stretched, so confused as to how i should plan my life. i want to keep to the routine of taking things as it goes, but i'm scared that things will just move on without me. i think that routine only used to work in jc, where there was always time to make the decisions as it comes. but uni's shown me that you really need to be thinking ahead, knowing what you're getting yourself into.
then there's the hostel issue. how i went through the period of, should i hall, omg hall orientation starts so early, maybe i shouldn't hall, i dont really need a hostel, i didn't get my first choice hall, but hall is quite convenient, a place to put your stuff and study, sleep when you're studying late in school, rest, etc. so basically in the end, my parents being the more persistent and proactive lot, i decided to take hall. so now i'm staying at- hey wait a minute, correction.- so now i have a room at king edward.
i talk about my life and realise that i need change, that i want change, but then when i find that things which i'm so familiar with, people who i'm so familiar with, when i find that these aren't changing at the same pace as me, i'm suddenly thrown into a dilemma. this period of life where i want things to go at the same pace for everyone. i want it to work for everyone. i want the people in my life to be on the same frequency.
bloody hell. when will i move into hall? when will i finally accept that things are changing and i should perhaps prepare to get on with a new routine?
anyway so i'm going down for flag day today, missed the tin collection thing, but fang's helping bano and i take a tin each, and luckily enough for me, the area we were assigned to is bedok! which explains why i'm up so early with free time to blog.
so i've had.. the random occasional kamya sleepover :D, odac sleepover :), two farewell :/ parties, for kamya n kasturi n lubna, and the other for abobs, jayce (:(:, rg odac people (: and just the occasional going outs (:. and school o.o and more Actual Farewells :( :( :(.
this is going to be a difficult month.

i think i should get moving and head on down to meet my group. hope its fun/okay.

2005-06-23T17:19:00.000+08:00

i PASSED i PASSED!!
i can drive i can drive on my own on my own! ok not yet not yet! but SOON SOON, once i pass my dad's internal test!
i PASSED i PASSED!!
I CAN DRIVE!

2005-06-18T19:17:00.000+08:00

man, i really love my dog. he just came sneaking up the stairs looking so extremely guilty and adventurous that i had to give him a refreshment tour of the entire house. the last time he tried to do this he was only a baby. i guess he's getting sick of seeing me disappear to the mysterious upstairs, since he's probably quite familiar with the downstairs and his porch and the forest/driveway.
having a slack day, my parents are coming home from korea tonight! i'm rather excited actually, can't wait to hear about their trip. woke up late today, been at home all day except to run an errand to the post office. dont know why i'm so tired actually.
yesterday's delta social night was quite a nice event. met so many people, it was kinda like an rj reunion partially. met jayce's section mates-nice guys, and jess n chew, n sya, hon and so many rg classmates, ashraf n amir, pri sch friends..etcetc. haha and basically a lot of guys i never knew were in ocs too..they screened a video, which was quite funny, but especially so for the ocs guys, a lot of their inside jokes. hey army seems quite nice. okay correction, ocs seems quite nice, but their training is like.. crazy. a daily 3.5km morning run is..incomprehensible and definitely a near-death sentence to my body. jen you're right, i might be a closet indac member after all. heh, Respect to ocsboys.
okay, frequent late nights come to an end with the return of the parents. no more out of control clubbing episodes, policecar-incidents, late nights out with friends.
i can't wait for them to get back!
i survive best on regulated independence. i think i should hostel at nus. eggciting. :D

2005-06-16T02:47:00.000+08:00

most probably will be going to amores tmr, EXERCISE, yeah baby. what was it, newbody? or hip hop lesson2. or..both. hope we watch the hindi movie, maybe.
i was stopped by a policecar right outside my road, jalan kathi cos i was walking home from kamya's house after i missed the last bus (which was probably SPEEDING so it was ahead of schedule). the walk back only took about half an hour so it was pretty okay..didn't want to take a cab, i think i've been overspending these past few days.. anw it was pretty much a safe route back, by the road.. it's amazing the way cars speed when they think there's noone around, so as i walked around the bends i shifted a bit more towards the sidewalk, but otherwise i walked along the side of the road, cos..less chances of bumping into spiderwebs along the way. anyway, i hope i'm not in the "system" cos the policeguy was taking down info, i mean, there can't be anything wrong with walking home right! i looked so innocent, at that. but well, they were really friendly so i guess maybe they were just taking precautions. never seen a policecar patrolling my estate, must have been some recent complaints or something.
in short, boo to sbs transit drivers who don't follow their timing. oh well, it was a nice safe walk anyway. reminded me of odac night hikes. but lacking in their company. so it was more like, recalling fond memories.
thinking of maybe a phuket trip with kamya, and hopefully harsharan/jen/one of our machas. heard about it thru melody's friend daniel (might combine with them, depending), who went to check out the prices at people's park today. quite a good deal for a short trip. spent the whole day at chinatown, mostly in this teahouse! we stayed there for like five hours plus, talking, and playing board games. haha really got our money's worth man. and had a great dinner at the street stall markets. absolutely full. plus, AHBALLING soup. ooh la la. then i met kamya on the way back, in the train, where she earned BIG BUCKS in 2 minutes doing this dare from a friend :D yeahhh! haha..so hilarious. totally worth ten bucks. followed her back, where i just basically bummed around at her place once again, watched Eye for a Guy! man howard seems really sweet but i had a feeling she'd choose wolfgang. and there was boston-(sth) after niptuck! which is a spinoff from the practice! which i'm not so fond of! cos i really liked the lawyers in the practice. damn. but i guess they were breaking up. so quite good tv actually.
tired.
i realised that i've had a lot of fun when my parents were overseas. maybe i shall go visit my grandma on friday or something. check in to show that i'm doing ok. parents will be back soon. sat/or sun, not too sure. hope they had lots of fun in korea. this is probably their third honeymoon maybe? so much for requesting for my passport when they went overseas, i ended up not going anywhere. but DO YOU KNOW, singapore is actually quite exciting.
bathroom renovation is almost complete. looks so new, i can't wait to start taking showers in my bathroom again. i really love my bathroom. i want to move back into my room! sick of migrating to the third floor, to my brothers room, to the living room. will the construction people just jolly well HURRY UP.
alrights. gonna shower, sticky from the walk back home just now.

2005-06-10T17:42:00.000+08:00

whoah.
finally recovered fully from wednesday night. so much for ladies night, it was really quite fun at the club, and in retrospect, funny towards the end, but at the same time embarrassing and sinful. i think i learnt my limit the harder way; don't ever hit the big 10. the music was great though, and the alcohol really let me have my fun on the dance floor. or platform thing. haha kamya, you're the "pro", 10 and still thinking straight.
anyway, so i'm the emotional drunk. wth. thank goodness kamya was there man. you're the best. consoling me as i cry for the taxi driver, cry for you, cry for my brother, and towards the end, the reasons merged into one, as i cried for the world(??). i think i was at the stage where, i didnt realise what i was doing seemed ridiculous to anyone else, to me, everything seemed really logical in my mind. like, telling the taxi driver to drive to tanahmerah so i could withdraw money for him. slowing down after i fell whilst running down the escalator at tanah merah. i could still think halfway straight, just that i couldnt do what i wanted to do as efficiently.
anyway, if there's anything i'm thankful for, i'm glad we did it together man. this hell of an experience. haha only a psychotic drunk best friend would tell you, "if i'm your best friend you'll get into this cab and i'll PAY ok i'll pay"-though i had maybe a dollar in coins. and only my best friend would have realised i was out of my mind, yet listened and gotten into the cab with me. hahaa.
anyway, now we know huh? so, no more clubbing for a long time. thank goodness my parents are in korea.
you're my best friend and nobody'll be able to replace you ever man. respect. i'm one lucky bugger. don't mess with that.

2005-05-30T04:12:00.000+08:00

I really like my sailing class. And I really like sailing. We'll have to go back for a make-up lesson because of the storm today. It is really ironic how post-storm there is barely any wind. Like nature leaves you to deal with the devastation in silence. Sudden silence.
I visited the www.one.org website, hence the banner on the right :) Go support them.
Trying to teach myself the guitar, but my brother must have brought it to camp, was hoping to kope it tonight to practice. Soon I'll be playing all those songs on my playlist that've been keeping me company during stranded moments, and long train rides. YEAH.
Think I should go and sleep now. I am going to watch Madagascar tmr.
I like to move it, move it!

2005-05-25T04:41:00.000+08:00

I am in love with my playlist. I think it's gonna be my playlist for another few weeks or so. It seems like ages has passed since I last blogged, perhaps cos I feel like I've done enough pondering, enough contemplating, for about, the next few months.
I am once again, completely addicted to my downloads, just recently watched the OC's finale, and Gilmore Girls' finale, unintentionally. Didn't realise that by skipping two episodes I'd be plunging myself into a storyline that's completely unexpected. I think I'm too involved. When downloads begin to affect your mood, and actually make you start relating to the characters, there is definitely something wrong. Falling back into my jc addictions.

"Love of the Loveless"- The Eels.

2005-05-21T10:04:00.000+08:00

I asked for this. I put myself into this situation such that I'd make a decision not because I was forced into it, not because I had no other choice. I just need to find some form of confirmation within myself, and justification. And then I'll be able to commit fully, put everything behind me, and look upon this whole uni application process as one crazy growing up stage. It's definitely got its downs, but hey, that just made the ups more worth it. Jumping on beds kinda worth it.
Its just reassuring to know that a future awaits me. So is it in America or right here at home in Med.
Oh baby oh. I know that no matter what people tell me, in the end, this is a decision I have to make by myself, because I need to be able to have full responsibility for what I decide. It's just my way of doing something to make sure I never put myself in a position to regret. Never to regret. And when you allow yourself to dream, that's when you create the craziest urges, backed by nothing but a gut feel.

And as it tells its sorry tale
In harrowing detail
It's hollowness will haunt you.

2005-05-19T17:18:00.000+08:00

Guess what?
I'm now the neighbourhood helper. Well, not really. Just a cat-feeder. from Sunday to Tuesday. Cool huh? So I've just gone over to check out Basil, the cat, and Dominic the 20-month old "baby" who'll need baby-sitting occasionally. He looks pretty cute (both).
Anyway, the reason I'm blogging is so that I can make a list of things that I've gotta do, for Basil, for those 3 days.
1. Feed him in the morning- dry food plus the can food that's kept in the fridge once opened. Apparently I can leave the food out, just behind the backgate, cos Basil is a day-time street roamer.
2. Feed him in the night - same kinda food, just that it's placed in his room. (yes, he has a room.) And I'm supposed to close his room door at night, cos he's not supposed to roam the neighbourhood at night. Maybe he has partial night-blindness.
3. Maintain his litter box, which is surprisingly really hygienic. He's like almost human.
4. Close the glass door as I lock the front gate.
Sounds easy. I bet I'm gonna feel like a robber though, entering the house once it's all dark. Alrights, i'm off to meet foong at orchard. Run run run run!

2005-05-15T01:57:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt so contented you feel like nothing could possibly ever go wrong?
let's hope the moment lasts, and i dont oversleep tmr before sailing. another sarcastic "early" comment from dharma would take a much more embarrassing hit and kill the joke completely.
to a blissful sleep that i hope you have too, and a fantastic remaining weekend.
contented.

2005-05-13T02:41:00.000+08:00

ack.
a week ago i was dreaming of all the things i couldn't wait to do when i'd finally acquired the title "lady of leisure" :D, and now things have yet to get moving. only highlight would be, a trial kickboxing lesson which resulted in me being a new member of (believe it or not), amores. yes. here's to a healthier lifestyle. indeed.

and i think i should kick the sleeping late, awakening late habit. oh well. tmr's dance night. should be fun.

2005-05-09T01:55:00.000+08:00

the best aftertaste is when you know that you're being true to yourself. sincerity is something that you can sense, something that radiates out from your tone your eyes your body language. which is why, sometimes its so easy to tell a plastic poser from a person who doesnt bother to hide who he really is. and that's when you realise that its so easy to love these people no matter what, regardless, even if they're not perfect, because its the imperfections that make them so human that you just cant help but want to hear them out, and protect them from the harsh judgmental eyes of neanderthals.
on a separate note, sailing is an art, a rather ungraceful one initially when you're 1. desperately trying to flop your bobbing fat ass into the cockpit, 2. when you're trying your first tack of the afternoon, and elbows come flying from everywhere, ropes wrap around your legs, and you end up in extremely awkward positions, 3. when your shorts keep sliding down as you run to grab trolleys for fellow sailors. but oh my Gaad when you've got the hang of it, and your sail is full, caught the wind, and you're on a reach completing (almost)pretty figure-of-eight courses, and your boat's keeling cos you're going so fast, but yet, you're in complete control, the sea is your playground, and life seems like its at its best. daryl, sailing is the only sea sport that has ever given me this much of a high. kayaking is a completely different genre of fun. sailing is like a healthier version of what i imagine taking drugs to be, once you've mastered the technique of snorting it.
anyway, i've ended my assignment at rgs, i really love my classes, the satisfaction levels of a people-interactive career is probably what keeps teachers at it. andd i've just changed all the songs on my mp3, completely new playlist which should satisfy my cravings of late. put them into more folders so that it's easier to scroll to specific songs. i like shuffle mode on winamp. pleasant surprises every few minutes.
what is meant to be will be? and please don't tell me perhaps perhaps perhaps!

2005-05-03T09:55:00.000+08:00

day of fun in sentosa! pls refer to kamya's blog for details. AND yes, sadly there was a rather embarrassing incident which involved me misjudging the distance at which to leap into the sea, hence falling flat into the sand, left confused, while andee just leaped in ahead of me, oblivious, and kamya n nizam evilly laughed their heads off. okay i agree, it was hilarious to a large extent.
anyway i've realised that i'm rather prone to injury, but fortunately i'm used to it, so i shan't dwell in the supposed unfairness of life. discovered all sorts of scratches and cuts on my left leg when i got home. highlights of the day, making "baywatch rescue" video clips, playing in the water and slacking in a hammock n on the beach. yeahh.
just invigilated 107 for their mother tongue paper. felt like sharing with them the perspective of a senior who's "been there, done that" but then realised, maybe that'll just spoil the route of discovery for them. a year from now they'll realise that exams in sec1 were not important, what mattered was building those friendships that would carry you on, and understanding the purpose of secondary sch education as simply the foundation of sth much more intense yet less broad, in jc.. i wanted to remind them to appreciate the days of science/humanities for maybe in the near future you'll only be able to choose to focus on one. but then, i didnt want to sound like those seniors who used to tell me "enjoy your jc/sec sch life now, make the most of it!" for i know to them, they can barely begin to comprehend what life would be beyond school. neither do they appreciate the small things in their sch life that they take for granted now, or perhaps even detest. maybe i'm just talking about myself, when i used to be that kid.
just two options i'm left considering, nus med or jhu biomed, with or without scholarship it doesnt matter to me anymore. i no longer kid myself to think that i really want an overseas scholarship, for to be honest i rather not be tied down. it's too large a commitment for me to handle right now. and maybe that's just precisely my problem. in life.
i feel like creating worksheets for my students or "fun facts" about math. show them the wonders of the application of math, then maybe they'd love it more. especially since i have zilch to do after merely 90 minutes of invigilation. andd i've got until 1.40pm.
this may day holiday has mildly messed with my internal clock. i keep thinking today's monday.

2005-04-22T23:21:00.000+08:00

okay let's erase one of the options. no gms for me. i guess they figured i didnt want it that badly. which was true, at that point. no news is always bad news.
teaching at rgs is..like stepping into your past, and having everything inversed. i now know why the general office extends all the way out stretching across the carpark. it's really a longlong way down. discovered it when i had to report to the nelson room for a form teachers' meeting. i shall wander down that path some other time. didnt have time to investigate fully.
now i feel like i really know the rgs building well. the staff room's not as amazing as i pictured it to be, rather cramped in my opinion, never knew there were so many teachers!
and talking to the math teachers who used to teach me and the neighbouring classes, and the teacher's from lower sec and those who recognise me, a whole new experience. cos suddenly, you're no longer a student to them. but of cos, they'll always be my teachers. there's no way i'll suddenly start calling them chye choo and mui tiang and soh lian. that's wayy to strange. much more comfortable with addressing them as mrs leuar mrs tan n mrs ban. teachers are supremely nice people. perhaps i'm biased. my teacher-parents are downright nice people. so that's that. and the biscuits in the pantry are evilly tempting. unwanted calories!
i brought home marking, something i told myself i didnt want to end up doing. work is work. but i'm worried for my sec1s and their upcoming SA test! so yeah. i have to return it to them asap! my sec2s are stronger in math though.
and.ink .markers run out really fast when you're doing math on the whiteboard. problems.

2005-04-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

i'm so confused. so many things are so uncertain.
1. hopkins bme on a scholarship.
do i really know enough about myself to be making this decision, committing 6 years to an organisation. well in the first place, who's going to offer me this scholarship? dsta hasnt gotten back to me (yet), i'd jump at loke cheng kim if only they'd just give me an interview.
2.medicine at nus. just got the forms today. is medicine something i'm certain i want to do?
3. gms for bioengineering, one year overseas, possibly usp, possibly double major. at. n. u. s.
4. oh yes, hopkins bme without scholarship.
no option's completely available to me as of yet, except number 4. told gms interviewers my first choice for nus is still medicine. but on second thoughts, is it really? also told them about jhu, about washington st louis. the interviewers were brilliant. it truly was a pleasure talking to them. if you could guarantee me lecturers and professors of this quality, i'd actually turn full round and up nus on my potential, not-so-certain list.
then again, all i've actually dreamt about is going overseas, breaking out of this system. i am sick of meeting the same people, competing with people who study the singaporean way. give me a break. i so cannot operate that way.
and then i look around at the rest of you, and wonder how it is that you can be so sure this is what you want, how it is that you've never even paused to consider other options out there, how it is that you think you're the right person for this and yet somehow if you hadnt told me before, i'd never have thought you a doctor/lawyer/etc. dont get me wrong, i probably dont know you well enough. and anyway i admire you for knowing what you want.
and all i want is to know myself.