i'm so confused. so many things are so uncertain.
1. hopkins bme on a scholarship.
do i really know enough about myself to be making this decision, committing 6 years to an organisation. well in the first place, who's going to offer me this scholarship? dsta hasnt gotten back to me (yet), i'd jump at loke cheng kim if only they'd just give me an interview.
2.medicine at nus. just got the forms today. is medicine something i'm certain i want to do?
3. gms for bioengineering, one year overseas, possibly usp, possibly double major. at. n. u. s.
4. oh yes, hopkins bme without scholarship.
no option's completely available to me as of yet, except number 4. told gms interviewers my first choice for nus is still medicine. but on second thoughts, is it really? also told them about jhu, about washington st louis. the interviewers were brilliant. it truly was a pleasure talking to them. if you could guarantee me lecturers and professors of this quality, i'd actually turn full round and up nus on my potential, not-so-certain list.
then again, all i've actually dreamt about is going overseas, breaking out of this system. i am sick of meeting the same people, competing with people who study the singaporean way. give me a break. i so cannot operate that way.
and then i look around at the rest of you, and wonder how it is that you can be so sure this is what you want, how it is that you've never even paused to consider other options out there, how it is that you think you're the right person for this and yet somehow if you hadnt told me before, i'd never have thought you a doctor/lawyer/etc. dont get me wrong, i probably dont know you well enough. and anyway i admire you for knowing what you want.
and all i want is to know myself.