After such a long hiatus, I'm finally driven to share my thoughts again. So many things have happened since my last entry.
Tanzania was the most amazing overseas experience of my life, I think it changed me. And it's changed my perspective of people. For the longest time, I've owed this blog an update about Tanzania, and then so many things happened after the trip that left me too caught up - emotions really ran high and low in July/August. Well that's for another time, maybe.
But now I feel the need to mark this revelation I've just made about myself with a post. The reason why I procrastinate so much, and the reason why I am unable to deal with conflict well is because, I fear confrontation. This fear translates into every part of my life. With regards to relationships, I hate confrontations so I avoid them, until things build up and it's just too much to handle, and then when things blow up I avoid them again, because it's easier that way, to leave things swept under the bed. Even with regards to schoolwork - the reason why I leave things to the end is because in my mind I've already classified it as something unpleasant to be done, a chore, something difficult. It's always so much easier to tell myself, I'll deal with it later, and it'll be so much better.
And for the umpteenth time, this flaw has unleashed itself, and this time I'm not getting away with it so easily. Which is possibly why it's been so difficult to accept. Think my cgmates are right, I did need something like this to wake me up. I'm not sure if I agree that I need to be punished for this, because I feel like I've already given myself a hard time about it, but I guess that's not up to me to decide. Hopefully things don't get worse than they already are.
And I'm such a freak with confrontation that I even avoid dealing with my own emotions.
So there you have it. I have a problem. I need a solution. I'm working on it.
It's also times like these where you start to evaluate the people you thought you knew so well. I guess the theme of this phase in life, is that everybody's changing, even you, even me.
Tanzania was the most amazing overseas experience of my life, I think it changed me. And it's changed my perspective of people. For the longest time, I've owed this blog an update about Tanzania, and then so many things happened after the trip that left me too caught up - emotions really ran high and low in July/August. Well that's for another time, maybe.
But now I feel the need to mark this revelation I've just made about myself with a post. The reason why I procrastinate so much, and the reason why I am unable to deal with conflict well is because, I fear confrontation. This fear translates into every part of my life. With regards to relationships, I hate confrontations so I avoid them, until things build up and it's just too much to handle, and then when things blow up I avoid them again, because it's easier that way, to leave things swept under the bed. Even with regards to schoolwork - the reason why I leave things to the end is because in my mind I've already classified it as something unpleasant to be done, a chore, something difficult. It's always so much easier to tell myself, I'll deal with it later, and it'll be so much better.
And for the umpteenth time, this flaw has unleashed itself, and this time I'm not getting away with it so easily. Which is possibly why it's been so difficult to accept. Think my cgmates are right, I did need something like this to wake me up. I'm not sure if I agree that I need to be punished for this, because I feel like I've already given myself a hard time about it, but I guess that's not up to me to decide. Hopefully things don't get worse than they already are.
And I'm such a freak with confrontation that I even avoid dealing with my own emotions.
So there you have it. I have a problem. I need a solution. I'm working on it.
It's also times like these where you start to evaluate the people you thought you knew so well. I guess the theme of this phase in life, is that everybody's changing, even you, even me.
posted by nita at
12:25 AM
4 Comments
