okay let's erase one of the options. no gms for me. i guess they figured i didnt want it that badly. which was true, at that point. no news is always bad news.
teaching at rgs is..like stepping into your past, and having everything inversed. i now know why the general office extends all the way out stretching across the carpark. it's really a longlong way down. discovered it when i had to report to the nelson room for a form teachers' meeting. i shall wander down that path some other time. didnt have time to investigate fully.
now i feel like i really know the rgs building well. the staff room's not as amazing as i pictured it to be, rather cramped in my opinion, never knew there were so many teachers!
and talking to the math teachers who used to teach me and the neighbouring classes, and the teacher's from lower sec and those who recognise me, a whole new experience. cos suddenly, you're no longer a student to them. but of cos, they'll always be my teachers. there's no way i'll suddenly start calling them chye choo and mui tiang and soh lian. that's wayy to strange. much more comfortable with addressing them as mrs leuar mrs tan n mrs ban. teachers are supremely nice people. perhaps i'm biased. my teacher-parents are downright nice people. so that's that. and the biscuits in the pantry are evilly tempting. unwanted calories!
i brought home marking, something i told myself i didnt want to end up doing. work is work. but i'm worried for my sec1s and their upcoming SA test! so yeah. i have to return it to them asap! my sec2s are stronger in math though.
and.ink .markers run out really fast when you're doing math on the whiteboard. problems.

i'm so confused. so many things are so uncertain.
1. hopkins bme on a scholarship.
do i really know enough about myself to be making this decision, committing 6 years to an organisation. well in the first place, who's going to offer me this scholarship? dsta hasnt gotten back to me (yet), i'd jump at loke cheng kim if only they'd just give me an interview.
2.medicine at nus. just got the forms today. is medicine something i'm certain i want to do?
3. gms for bioengineering, one year overseas, possibly usp, possibly double major. at. n. u. s.
4. oh yes, hopkins bme without scholarship.
no option's completely available to me as of yet, except number 4. told gms interviewers my first choice for nus is still medicine. but on second thoughts, is it really? also told them about jhu, about washington st louis. the interviewers were brilliant. it truly was a pleasure talking to them. if you could guarantee me lecturers and professors of this quality, i'd actually turn full round and up nus on my potential, not-so-certain list.
then again, all i've actually dreamt about is going overseas, breaking out of this system. i am sick of meeting the same people, competing with people who study the singaporean way. give me a break. i so cannot operate that way.
and then i look around at the rest of you, and wonder how it is that you can be so sure this is what you want, how it is that you've never even paused to consider other options out there, how it is that you think you're the right person for this and yet somehow if you hadnt told me before, i'd never have thought you a doctor/lawyer/etc. dont get me wrong, i probably dont know you well enough. and anyway i admire you for knowing what you want.
and all i want is to know myself.

this is a test post. to check out the template. blogging again feels good. kinda.