stressed, and its showing.
i know it can be done. i just need the strength to do it.
why does everything seem so hard all of a sudden?

am i not good enough?
it hurts to have your ego probed. and it hurts even more to doubt yourself.

come on, come on, i've got to do this for myself.

Boulderactive 2007
this year's boulder's left me with a bigger impression, compared to last year's boulder. i guess its cos this year, i went into the competition with a bit more hope, with perhaps some expectations (though i admit, i'm still too lenient with myself - afraid of failure? perhaps), versus last year when, i sadly (and regretfully, now) had practically no expectations of myself as a novice cat climber.

getting into intermediate finals truly came as a pleasant surprise, cos well frankly..with one bonus, i felt there was no chance of qualifying, and by the end of my 4 climbs i'd already come to terms with it. tho admittedly, i'm not proud of the way i qualified for finals in the end, (since it's a chance incident that one of the finalists couldnt make it down on sunday to climb, hence the bump up), i guess it's safe to say that i'm kinda satisfied with my performance at the finals. of course, there's definitely lots of room for improvement, and i know my weaknesses (still many to clear), but that's somehow encouraging, cos at least now i know what i need to train.
and the best thing of all, i have an excellent team to climb and train with, and other friends who like climbing (occasionally).

although i'm super tired, after 3 full days of boulderactive, i felt like typing this out tonight cos, i want to remember that this is how i feel, and at this point in time i have absolutely no regrets about my (potentially subconscious) change in commitment levels towards climbing. i love the way it gives me something to look forward to, people to have fun with, people to learn from (in more ways than just climbing), a way to keep fit (and achieve my lean and mean target, of course inspired only through climbing), that feeling of control over your body and your movements and the precision that it requires, and well, just basically..another stable, reliable, big thing in my life.

today i start to understand that the more important something becomes in your life, the greater its potential to bring you to that ultimate low point of disappointment and Frustration. thankfully, it works both ways. it can also bring you to greater levels of achievement and satisfaction.

well, sometimes we get the former, sometimes we get the latter. but the fact is, we're not giving up, are we?
we always work towards something happy-er. i really want to embalm this feeling, this feeling of sincere untainted non-cynical belief, that ultimately, we exist and we sustain, to strive for Greater things. things that will make the highs higher. i want to preserve this feeling so that i can recall it in times to come, times when self-doubt and unhappiness gets the better of me.

and now i promise (myself) that it's time to study hard for the finals. so that the other big thing in my life won't come crashing down.

i woke up this morning sweating. not that i had a bad dream, but there was a "blackout" (well, power blackout, but it was already quite bright) and my fan had gone off.
but somehow, this uncomfortable start to the day (though i did try to go back to sleep) developed into this sense of impending doom. things are not going as well as i'd like them to be.
i'm stressed.
things got better as the day progressed, though i ate wayy too much kueh at my aunty's house.
and now i'm back to being stressed.
i need to do something to rid this sense of impending doom. need to be more intent on studying.
in other news, boulderactive's this coming weekend! exciting. not expecting much of myself, but i love watching pro climbers doing their thing! RAWR. will be spending most of the weekend at the atrium at PS. so friends, if you're in the area, i'll explain the action to you :) excitingggggggggg!
HAHHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!
happy things make me laugh.
it's funny to feel happy one instant and stressed in another. depends on which commitment is dominating my thoughts at the moment i guess.

in summary ,the weekend has been great. (climbing, daryl's dinner, belated cny visit to my cousins' place) and non-muggy..(argh.)

the start of the one month study break (less than one month now) til the finals!
i need to start feeling the urgency of it all, cos well..one month isn't quite enough for billions of microorganisms. come on friendly friends!! jiayou!! add oil!! (muahaha)
in other news, my mom is coming back from shanghai tonight, have to somehow get home from training by about 9.30, shower and get to the airport around 10? yeah:) will have to leave climbing early tonight. excited, will find out about her travel news later today.
am going for russian food later with bano and saus, whoah. (cg outing:)) russian food! what IS russian food? will soon find out. and hopefully there'll be tauhuay after :P contemplated a swim just now, but feel a bit too lazy to travel to the ugh bedok swimming pool. shall just stay home and await lunchtime.
tip tap tippetty tap. won't you come and tap with me?

just random things i want to do whilst/after i study my brains out for the finals.
1. buy my rollerblades!
2. train scott so that i won't have to carry him (fatty!)/leash him everytime someone visits.
3. climb more (during this study break as well)
4. learn to swim front crawl
5. plan my dream america trip (don't know when it'll actually take place though)
6. read the newspapers

i'm starting small! but i'll get there one day.

a small bundle of cuteness.
pursuit of happyness.

i dont think i've found my passion in life.